Who Said Getting A Baby Was Hard?

One of the big reasons I hear for old women (35+) having babies is because adopting is so difficult. So, they selfishly take on the risk of having retarded “special” babies because their needs trump the needs of the child. Ladies, there is a reason that Jesus is shriveling your ovaries like prunes…take heed.

In any case, I wanted to offer a few viable solutions so these grannies can still have kids. First, try shopping for babies at Wal Mart. Not actually in Wal Mart, but out in the parking lot. For instance, in Salinas, CA you could have bought a beautiful baby for a mere $25. And that was the asking price! With a little effort, you easily could have whittled that down to $20. So, you save tens of thousands on in-vitro costs and don’t have to let your already deteriorating body get any worse.

Now, before the holier than thou crowd starts jumping in about “what kind of parent sells their child”, let me say that this couple had good reasons for it. I am told by my source, Paco, that the money was to be used for Proactiv. Again, before judging, look at the photo of the mother below and tell me this isn’t a smart investment.

I thought so.

I imagine that there are still many of you thinking, “What if I don’t have $25? Can I still get a baby?” Of course you can. It’s a little more work and you need to live amongst truly retarded people, but it is possible. Here’s how to make it happen.

First, start stuffing pillows under your shirt and tell your husband you are pregnant. If he wants to touch the “baby”, stick a paintbrush in the pillow and move it around. This will fool him. (I told you that this primarily works with really, really, stupid people). Just as you are about to pop, scour the local papers for recent birth announcements and track down the address of the new parents. Then, go to the home and stab the hell out of everyone. I am sure I am leaving something out but here are the details.

dumbest husband of all time

Again, the most critical part is to be surrounded by absolutely imbecilic family and neighbors.

There you have it. Two easy ways to become a mother in no time. No longer do you have a need to take a bunch of medications or let some man put his dirty thingy in your dry, sandpaper like, love tunnel. Nor do you have to let your already large muffin top get even more wildly out of control. No need to go and buy even larger Spandex pants or stuff to rub on your belly to hide the disgusting stretch marks.

Please, don’t feel compelled to thank me for this important information. The fact that you are not going to pop out a little short bus rider in 9 months is thanks enough. Trigger doesn’t really need any new friends. You’re welcome. TL

PS: If you just had a baby, don’t answer the door if this chick is knocking on it:

Can Old(er) Women Please Stop Having Babies?

I really don’t understand the need for women over 40 to keep having babies. Didn’t you already have 20+ years to squirt one out if that was what you wanted to do? By waiting until you are over 40, you are significantly increasing the odds of complications plus you are going to be OLD by the time the kid is 10. What 10 year old wants a 50 year old mom? Or 20 year old a 60 year old mama? That’s just crazy.

To take it a step further, a 56 year old woman in Ohio became a surrogate mother for her daughter. This is just plain creepy to me. First, this nice elderly woman had the “seed” of her son-in-law put inside of her. Ewww, that’s just gross. Plus, look how old this woman looks:

I am sure she is a wonderful lady but, wow, that is just not right. I cannot imagine that Jesus is on board with this, at all.

The good news is that the babies seem to be healthy and I am glad for that. Plus, in spite of their elderly “real” mom, they have a pretty hot new mom:

 (photo’s from http://cosenotriplets.blogspot.com/)

Now, I am not a doctor but it seems like she was, or is going to, breastfeed the babies. Don’t you kind of need to have a baby first to get the whole milk thing going? Is she just faking out the new babies since they don’t know any better? I don’t get it. (And, to be clear, this is not an indictment of the Coseno family, pictured above. I wish them the best. I just don’t get the notion of old folks having children…whatever the reason). 

I am sure that the “older” women reading this will tell me how wrong I am about this matter but it just seems selfish to me. I know that people get bored once they turn 40 but that’s just not a good enough reason to pop out babies. If you must have a kid, just do like Madonna and buy one from somewhere. (They used to be listed on Craigslist but I guess that was technically illegal).

Or better yet, wait for your oldest kid to have a baby and then spoil your grandchild rotten. Be patient. In the meantime, get a dog or cat and that should hold you over. If you are still confused, try this test. Borrow someones baby and go to the mall. If people say, “My, you have a lovely grand daughter” you have failed the test. Time to shut down the baby factory.

(And by the way, no cheating on the test. Slathering yourself up with makeup and getting Botox is circumventing the system).

I say embrace your oldness. Not having babies doesn’t mean you can’t still be hot. Look at this photo of 60+ year old Helen Mirren:

I mean, yeah, it would be kind of gross to have sex with her considering her age, but… how could you not? So, please, no more baby talk for all of you quadragenarians (or higher) out there. If for no other reason, do it for the children.