What’s Wrong With “Obama Fried Chicken”?

A couple of restaurants in New York City have decided to try to take advantage of the Obama name. One named itself, “Obama Fried Chicken” and the other named itself, “Obama Fried Chicken and Pizza”. 

Both restaurants are in predominantly black neighborhoods so it makes sense that they are trying to promote the Obama name. (Although I must say, I really don’t get the connection between fried chicken and pizza). 

Anyway, this has caused an uproar among community activists. Apparently, these names are being viewed as racist and are an affront to the black community. Now, as you all know, I am quite sensitive to racial matters but I fail to see the connection. 

Some have said that you wouldn’t use McCain’s name in such a place. Of course not…what does McCain have to do with the black community? You DID see Bush’s name used with barbeque places and at hole in the wall joints in Texas. If McCain were still alive, I am sure he would get a restaurant named after him somewhere. 

Personally, I am thinking of opening a fish food restaurant named after Sarah Palin. Something like, “Sarah Palin’s Smelly Fish”. Ok, that’s not a great title but I am not a marketing guy. I am sure one of you will have a much better suggestion. 

Back to Obama and chicken. Do only black people eat chicken? Cause when I was chowing down on some of the Colonels best the other day I am pretty sure I was surrounded by whitey. (Not that they bother me…much). 

The workers at both restaurants say that the names were used to celebrate the new president. No they weren’t…they were used to make money. But what is wrong with that? Isn’t that the American way? Why would you begrudge anyone from earning an extra buck or two in these times? 

I know Barry and he is not offended by such things. If you said he had a crappy jump shot or small ding-ding, THEN he would be offended. A chicken shack? He could care less. 

So those of you that are all revved up over this non-issue, relax. Besides, from what I hear, both Obama chicken places only serve dark meat. (Or was it white meat?)

If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

• She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
• She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
• She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
• She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
• She would have given every American a rifle
• She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
• She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
• She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
• She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
• She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:

Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).

(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).

Sarah Palin Regrets She Didn’t Do MORE Interviews!

This is exactly why Sarah is so lovable. She has a limitless amount of moxie. (Not to mention her amazingly good looks). When all of the haters said she spoke too much, Sarah comes back and says she didn’t speak enough. She is like the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail…”it’s only a flesh wound!”

Sure, she didn’t exactly nail her early interviews, but even skeptics have to admit that once they took the leash off of her, she really did a great job. The McCain team single handedly screwed up America’s perception of one of our best politicians in the modern era. In many ways, she could have been America’s “Lady Di”.

I imagine there will be those naysayers that will now accuse her of “palling around with drug dealers” but they are just being vindictive. Let’s face it, Sarah should have been at the top of the ticket and the RNC didn’t figure that out until it was too late.

I also think that her devout Christianity hurt her due to the fact that Barry Hussein Obama made being Muslim the religion du jour. This is just another fad that will quickly pass. Give it a little time…people will be just as hateful towards Barry as they currently are for Sarah. Jesus knows the truth!

Let’s be honest for a moment. The real truth behind the mean spirited feelings towards Sarah are primarily driven by misogyny. (And I know a thing or two about this). She is an attractive woman which, in itself, alienated a huge number of women. Women are just catty like that. They want their female leaders in pant suits like Hillary. It is less competitive for them.

On the other hand, men had a hard time getting past her ethereal beauty. They could not come to terms with the fact that someone so hot could be so smart. Men generally like their hot women to be moderately dense. Hence, the Barbie and Stepford society we live in.

So amazingly, in the end, the citizens of the US elected a half black, Muslim, elitist, non US citizen, bastard child. While that is pretty admirable, it shows just how frightened we are of powerful women. Sarah could have moved this country forward by light years. Instead, we are stuck with the, “Get back in the kitchen and get me a beer” treatment of women for years to come. Shame on you ladies for allowing this to happen.

Hey Sarah, look what I have for you!

 

Are Alaskans As Stupid As They Seem To Be?

And I am asking this question in the nicest way possible. Believe me, I completely understand voting to make Sarah Palin the governor. If I lived in Alaska, I would have voted for her as well. Screw whether Africa is a continent or country…who cares? They are foreigners! We have to look out for our own needs first. Sarah gets this, that’s why she doesn’t spend a second of her time worrying about international crap.

And let’s just be honest. Is there anyone that is more American than Sarah? I think not.

(See more beautiful pics at pullinforpalin.com. I LOVE that site).

So, if I love Sarah, why do I think Alaskans might be stupid? Two words…Ted Stevens. I understand that he has brought Alaska a lot of money over the years and the money he was ‘stealing” was from a private firm. However, he is now a convicted felon! How could half of the state vote for a guy that is going to be a prison bitch? Plus, he makes McCain look like a sexy teenager. Stevens was on LBJ’s staff. You remember LBJ, don’t you? Yeah, he’s the dead guy. Dead a long time ago.

Backing a felon is just not cool. Except for maybe a professional sports hero like OJ Simpson or Michael Vick. I could probably understand supporting those 2 guys. (Both railroaded by the white man). Those who voted for Stevens just end up looking like this guy.

 

(And if you don’t get what I was going for, you really need to consider night classes).

So, my dear Eskimo friends, I am just going to assume that you were all drunk on whale blubber when you voted. Or, maybe in some odd way, you were so distraught over losing Sarah that you couldn’t stand the thought of losing Ted at the same time. But please, in the future, no more convicts! (By the way, does Orca still live in Alaska? I haven’t seen him in awhile).

Umm…Sarah? Your 15 Minutes Are Up.

God knows I love me some Sarah Palin but even I need a break. We are all suffering from political fatigue and to listen to her yammer even more is really harshing my mellow.

Honestly Sarah, I don’t care about the clothes, the fact that you don’t read, maybe that you did a reach around on a 90 year old man… whatever. It’s all good! But there is a time to step aside. There’s a reason they don’t interview the loser after a ballgame. No one gives a crap what they have to say!

And when you say stuff like,  ”I’m like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” it makes my head hurt. “Like, I know you are my BFF 4 ever but I totally, like, need a break from u”. In fact, just yesterday even Jesus told me he was glad he made you lose. He said he just couldn’t take anymore.

Please, take a break and enjoy your family. Maybe even read a book or pop out another couple of babies! Just give us a chance to recover from the last 2 years of incessant politics. In another 2 years, if you want to start making some noise, knock yourself out.

In the meantime, if you really want to be a maverick, speak out against that thieving Alaskan senator, Ted Stevens. Go against your party and throw him under the bus, just like McCain staffers did to you. I know you are partial to the geriatric crowd but Ted needs to go. Make it happen.

One more thing, after looking at a recent photo of you, maybe you could bring back the hair and clothes people? What the hell happened to your hair and what’s with the pink? Where is the black or fire engine red that I have grown to love? I bet you aren’t even wearing your high heels anymore. Flip flopper.

P.S. Great job in supporting your party with this quote:

“I think the Republican ticket represented too much of the status quo, too much of what had gone on in these last eight years, that Americans were kind of shaking their heads like going, wait a minute, how did we run up a $10 trillion debt in a Republican administration? How have there been blunders with war strategy under a Republican administration?”

There Is No Crying In Presidential Politics!

Are you kidding me? Have you seen this picture of Barack HUSSEIN Obama? We are going to elect a POTUS that is a crybaby? Dear God, help us all:

Are you going to cry when you tell Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to leave Iraq alone and he says: مود احمدی‌ندارد خورده می‌شژاددارد خورده می‌ش

(That means “blow me” in Iranian). Are you going to cry when the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor again? I mean, c’mon, get a grip on yourself!

Look, I understand you are upset due to the recent loss of Tootie. We are all upset by it. Besides “Jo the lesbian”, Tootie was my favorite. She had such a beautiful smile underneath those braces.

But you are trying to be the President. You can’t let our enemies see you being all pussified in public. If you were crying for, let’s say, the scene In ET where Drew Barrymore was crying as the Feds tried to steal ET, I would get it. We all cried like a bunch of babies. But Tootie? Dude, get a grip on yourselves. 

For God’s sake, McCain was held in a monkey cage for 5 years and you don’t see him crying! True, his tear ducts have been surgically removed but you still don’t see him dry heaving. 

Wow…if only we had known this before now. I can live with the whole Muslim, pal of terrorist, hate guns and religion thing but this it just too much. If you win, I demand a Supreme Court recount. I am pretty sure the Constitution specifically states the following, “and so it be-ith that no man shall shed a tear in the pursuit of the-ith highest office in the land”. That’s is Article 3, chapter 7, Verse 9.52. Go ahead, look it up.

Jesus, Joseph and Mary…if we wanted a crybaby in office, we would have elected Hillary. And even then, she only cries every time Bill gets a hummer. (True, that is often but she mostly sobs in private).

And now look what you did. You made the Indian guy cry again because you stole his “single tear” look. I hope you are proud of yourself Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

PS: If you are over 40, I am about to stick a song in your head for the remainder of the day. You are welcome. (Oh, and Mrs. Garrett was also smoking hot).

You take the good, you take the bad,
you take them both and there you have
The facts of life, the facts of life.

When Is Someone Going To Break The Bad News To McCain?

All he keeps talking about is how “it’s wonderful to fool the pundits” and what a “great comeback” he is going to have. After all, he is a maverick and has been down before. He is going to fight the good fight and never give in and it’s all going to go down to the wire.

Psssst…hey John…I have a message for you. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU ARE GOING TO WIN!!!

Yes, I know I am screaming but I can only surmise that he has turned his hearing aid off and can’t hear a word anyone is saying to him. How else can you explain his silly comments? I understand you play the game to the end but shouldn’t you be working to help your peers down the ticket? You know, something like, “There is a strong reality that I cannot beat “that guy”. However, it is critical that we do not hand the power of the Congress, Senate and President over to the Democrats. Who will be able to stop them?”

I realize that many Republicans have started saying this but Oldie McWrinkles needs to be saying it. Even his running mate has already started to sneak out the back door. I guess even in Alaska a person can tell when they are getting their a** kicked. (And what a fine a** it is).

John, do you remember when you were on the Titanic and said, “Don’t worry…it’s just a leak”? Or when you told your wife, “We should join the Confederate side. I like their chances”. Exactly, you were completely and utterly wrong. Same deal here. Be a true maverick and take one for the team. What does it matter? You are 136 years old, married to a hot trophy wife, loaded to the gills with cash, have 6, 7, 8 or more homes. I mean, really, stop being such a grumpy old man.

Now, before my republican friends start in on me about McCain bashing, I am actually trying to help you. Besides, as you all know, I am an equal opportunity political hater. All politicians are on the take and have only one constituent to worry about…themselves. The smart ones (not Ted Stevens) make a killing for many years and walk away unscathed. So, while I respect your political opinion, if you still think McCain is going to win, you might as well believe in an invisible man in the sky. (oops…wrong analogy. Sorry Jesus).

You all also know that I LOVE Sarah Palin! Why in the world would I want her to lose? So I don’t get to see her anymore? She makes me all warm and tingly when I see her. Nothing would make me happier than to see her on the news everyday but, guess what? Not gonna happen. (Until 2012).

So you might as well start practicing now. Say it loud and say it proud! President Barack Hussein Obama. What? I couldn’t really hear you. Say it again, louder. C’mon, you sound like Fonzie trying to say “sorry”. One more time, President Barack Hussein Obama. There you go! I knew you could do it!

Buh Bye Oldie McWrinkles. You gave it a helluva shot and if you hadn’t caved in like a little girl to the right wing and RNC, and instead been a real maverick, you might have got a lot more votes. As for Sarah, we will always have our memories. Here is one more picture to remember you by.

*sniff*  I will miss you my Alaskan bunny. Stay strong and keep an eye on Russia for me. *sniff*

(Well, since I already have a box of tissues from crying…what the hell. One more for the road)

Black Man Carves “B” In White Woman’s Face

You have to admit, it made for a pretty cool story while it lasted. Big black guy knocks down poor white girl and carves a “B” in her face. It reminded me of when Charles Stewart said a black guy killed his pregnant wife and then shot him. The Boston Police Dept jacked up every black male in the city. Of course, as we all now know, Chuck is the one that killed his wife.

Just as in the Stewart case, there were all kinds of problem with this story from the minute I heard about it. First of all, here is a picture of the “victim”, Ashley Todd:

As you can see, she is a portly girl. Everyone knows that the brothers love the chunky white girls…they don’t hurt them! Also, she stated that the assailant used a dull knife to cut her face. Who carries a dull knife as a weapon? It’s like carrying plastic bullets for your 38 revolver. Lastly, even if you assume the perpetrator was dyslexic and wrote the “B” backward, it still makes no sense. Again, everyone knows that Obama supporters view him as ”The One” and he would have cut an “O” on her cheek. (Plus, it covers the dyslexic issue).

Todd quoted her attacker as saying he was going, “to teach her a lesson for being a McCain supporter”. Please…what brother in Pittsburgh speaks like that? If it were a true black street thug, he would have said, “I teach yo honkey ass uh lesson fo’ bein’ down wif dat ol foo”. (Or words to that effect). 

So, as someone that has watched CSI for many years, I have looked at the clues. Confident that OJ could not be involved since he is already in the slammer, I quickly deduced that the real attacker was “Joe the Plumber”. That’s right, shocking isn’t it? He is still pissed off about the “he’s not really a plumber” thing and wanted to throw the Obama crowd under the bus. Plus, he is jobless and has all the time in the world on his hands. Also, since he doesn’t have a job, he probably would jack someone up for a measly $60.

Although I have now solved the crime, some of you might want to take a shot at this young woman because she is a McCain supporter. You might be inclined to paint all young Republicans as zealots and lunatics. That would simply not be fair. We are all Gods children and since the day he created the Earth 6000 years ago for man and dinosaurs, we have shared common interests. Like that time when we tried to go to the moon but had to fake it on a movie set. Remember that? Or when they said Kennedy was assassinated but we all knew he was really living in Hawaii (later to be joined by Marilyn Monroe).

I guess my point is that we are all capable of mistakes whether we are Republicans or Democrats and living in a glass house is difficult for everyone due to the exorbinet price of Windex. See what I am saying? Of course you do. 

So next time you see a crazy looking chubby college kid with a backward “B” on her cheek, you give her a hug. She could use it. (Do keep your eyes on her hands, however, in case she is still packing that butter knife). Good night and God bless.

Government To Take Over Certain Banks? Brilliant!

Every time I think the government could not possibly do anymore to agitate me, they prove me wrong. The latest brilliant idea is for the government to take ownership stakes in certain banks. Which banks? No one seems to know.

Remember when the $700 billion bailout was going to fix all of this? That seems like such a long time ago.

What is particularly galling is how flagrant the government’s behavior has been recently. Well, to be fair, it has always been appalling but they are not making any effort to hide their intentions anymore. They seem to be under the impression that the money they have is theirs to do what they want with. I am not sure but, at least in theory, the money belongs to the US taxpayer. Shouldn’t we get any say in the matter?

On top of that, Henry “King of the World” Paulson seems to think he has the power to do whatever the hell he wants. Here is his latest comment on the bank takeover proposal:

“We have a broad range of authorities and tools. … We’ve emphasized the purchase of liquid assets, but we have a broad range of authorities. And I’m confident we have the authorities we need to work with going forward.”

Notice how he casually drops the word “authorities” in there 3 times? Another way Paulson could have phrased it is, “We will do whatever the hell we want to do and there is no one that can stop us”. I used to think that my crazy conspiracy friends who spewed about the “New World Order” and a centralized world government were as nutty as fruitcakes. Could it be they were actually right about this?

What is also remarkable is that neither candidate has a word to say about any of this. Of course, that actually makes sense since they are equally complicit in this skulduggery. This move to executive control in government has been building for years now and it now seems unstoppable.

So, I guess I will build my bomb shelter after all and start hoarding necessities. I wonder what they will name the new money that they will start printing soon. It can’t be the Euro since that is too small in scope and already being used. i guess it could be the “world dollar”. That sounds nice.

1984 was a little late getting here but it has arrived in a big way. I knew I should have got on that comet to heaven with those guys with the black sneakers.

(PS: Could we get those guys at AIG some more cash? They want to take another trip. Thanks Hank).

John McCain: My Friends, Stick A Fork In Him. He’s Done.

I must say that I am disappointed that Mac didn’t even make an effort last night. He had one last chance to be the fiscal conservative that so many Americans are looking for but he blew it. How? By added yet another spending plan! This time, buy up all of the bad mortgages. The number he used was “millions”. Ok, just so I understand, if the average home is around 175k, wouldn’t that be a minimum spend of 175 billion dollars?

Where is all of this money coming from? You just said that you were not going to raise taxes on anyone and we are currently running a deficit. Oh well. I realize you can only drive the car so far into the ditch but you don’t have to poor gas over it and light it on fire. Amazing that the Republican party has lost all credibility when it comes to finances.

And before we get all giddy about Obama, he plans on spending an awful lot of money that doesn’t exist as well. He gets his financial advice from some of the wealthiest men in the world. Hmm…I wonder who’s interest they will be looking out for? Yeah, Warren Buffett really understands my plight.

The only other item from the debate that seems to have stirred the pot was McCain referring to Obama as “that one”. If that doesn’t tell you what a dreadfully non eventful and boring debate it was, I don’t know what will. I don’t even know how “that one” can be construed as an insult. As usual, the media focuses on the things that really matter.

I think I am done with all of this. I was going to talk about the need to pin McCain’s name and address on his lapel because as he wandered aimlessly around the stage, I was sure he would get lost. But I have lost the will to even do that (although I kind of just did). I am not even sure my gal Sarah Palin can pull me out of this depression.

Ok, thanks to the “pullinforpalin” website, I feel a little better.