Someone asked me to write something about the impending break up of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. First, I had to kind of remember which Spanish chick Jennifer Lopez was. (After all, it’s a very common name). Then I remembered it is J Lo from the 90′s. I am surprised people are still thinking about her. Isn’t her claim to fame a bulbous bottom? I think she sang a little bit too.
In any case, here is what I think. I could care less what those two do. I couldn’t point out Marc Anthony if my life depended on it and there are way more talented and attractive Hispanic performers than Jenny on the block. Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek, Eva Mendes, etc. J Lo, sorry to give you the bad news but your ship has sailed. Wearing your wedding band, or not wearing your wedding band, is a pitiful effort to gain attention.
You might notice I did not add Cameron Diaz. That’s because there is something entirely too manly about her. However, when I thought about Cam, Drew Barrymore’s name popped into my head. I just read somewhere that she now has a new boyfriend. Is she now the single most skankiest Hollywood actress of all time? As someone else put it, “she has had more poles in her than Warsaw”.
What happened to the pretty little E.T. girl I knew and loved? I know her family is a train wreck but what is going on with all of the men? And why does she get such a hall pass on it unlike Madge or Angie? They both played the “bi” angle so that can’t be it. I know that Drew used to be a vegetarian but now she is back into meat. No kidding. Drew, get your crap together and stop polluting your hoo-hoo before you have a sludge buildup bigger than the one in Tennessee. (That last comment might have been slightly gratuitous).
Back to J Ho Lo. Here is a recent pic of her:
Couple of things. First of all, who the hell is the blind albino guy you are hanging out with? He is wearing a turtleneck and gloves without fingers? Lose him immediately. Next, why did you marry such a short dude in the first place? That almost never works. Lastly, you look like you have been eating a few too many Bavarian Creme donuts lately which is doubling your junk in the trunk. I realize that is your claim to fame but we like “big butts”, not one that looks like two pigs fighting over a Hershey’s Kiss. (Again, possibly slightly over the line).
As always, I am glad I can help my celebrity friends. Adiós!