I Hope You People Are Happy. You Made Sarah Sad.

Just look at her beautiful, sad face. How could you do this to our Sarah? You have broken our maverick and she may never be the same. Beating up on a hockey mom…you must be so proud of yourself.

As I look at the mesmerizing picture, I can see the painful thoughts racing through her mind.

“Son of a bit**! I really am going to have to go back to Alaska”

“Crap, no way they are going to let me keep these clothes now”

“But they will have to kill me to get my shoes!”

“So much for my new BFF, Cindy”

“Great, I get to go home and pound out more babies with Todd. Oh boy!” 

“Now I won’t be able to cancel that fat pig Oprah’s TV show. Darn it to heck”

“At least I can finally drop this cornball, fake accent.”

“If I look out of my window and see Putin in his drawers one more time, I’ll puke!”

“Wonder if it’s now ok to tell everyone I’m not Trigger’s real mom?”

I am sure she is pondering a bunch more deep thoughts but it hurts me too much to keep thinking about it. I am going to miss you, Sarah. Who will now make my loins all tingly since you are gone? (Besides, obviously, my wife).

Well, at least my tissue bills will now go down considerably. Sarah, can I make a small request? Could you kill a baby animal for me once you get home. Just like the good ole days?

(By the way, shame on you Indiana, Ohio and all of you other turncoats. How can you sleep at night? Traitors). Oh, and by the way, NO WAY IN HELL, Biden is a VPILF!

Corn Hole?

A co-worker was telling me about a party she had over the weekend. She explained that they played “corn hole”.

For those of you that live anywhere other than Indiana (and possibly a few neighboring states), you are probably wondering a) why would anyone admit to this in public and b) isn’t it illegal in many states?

Not to worry. Corn hole is what the rest of the world would refer to as “bean bag toss”. A very innocuous game played by kids and adults everywhere. Unfortunately, in at least Indiana, they prefer to use a more provocative name.

So, if you are speaking to one of your Hoosier friends and they mention that they were “corn holing” over the weekend, no need to blush, start making disgusting jokes or call the police. Everything is fine. But you may want to encourage them to use another name to describe the game. Corn hole indeed.