The World May Be Your Oyster,

July 22, 2008

but it is not your ashtray. That’s right, I am writing this for all of you chain smokers out there that flick your butts around as if you were the Sole Proprietor of the planet Earth. The rest of us don’t need your herpes, mono, tuberculosis(or whatever disease you have) laced cigarette butts contaminating our environment.

I hear what you are saying, “But they are so small…it is not bothering anyone”. Bull puckey! Look out your smoke frosted window the next time you come to a stop light. It looks like snow is building up at every intersection from your nasty butts piling up. God only knows what kind of toxic chemical mess is being created from all of those diseases and DNA mixing up. Did you know that this is the way that exotic diseases such as monkey pox get started? It’s true, I read it on the Internet.

I am going to let all of my smoker friends in on a little known secret. Inside of your car there is a small receptacle that is designed specifically for your spent butts. Shocking, isn’t it?

What’s that? You know that the ashtray is there but you just don’t want to get your car dirty? Newsflash, sunshine. First, you smell like a walking chimney so the lack of ashes does not equal a Fabreze fresh scent. Second, the fact that you do not want it in your car does not give you the right to foul everyone else’s environment. I don’t like trash in my house so is it ok if I dump it in your living room so I can keep my house looking good? Didn’t think so.

Still not convinced? Let me take a different approach. Why don’t you smoke filterless Pall Mall’s or Camel’s. That way, you can get every last bit of that sweet tasting nicotine without having to mess with the useless filter. (It’s only cutting down on your enjoyment). Next, smoke in bed as often as you possibly can. This is very relaxing and good for your posture. Finally, and I probably shouldn’t tell you this secret, but insert a potato in your muffler and start your car with the garage door down. My smoking friends say that this is the ultimate in enjoying a smoke (short of a 5 alarm fire). 

Whatever route you choose, just stop flicking the butts…do it for the children.


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