For The Last Time – There Is No Bigfoot, Ghosts, UFO’s, Etc.

I thought I had already straightened all of this out with my post on the Anti Christ and all things religion. The gist of the message was, “if it is not real, then it does not exist”. However, I am still being battered with tales of make believe entities including vampires and, new to the list, Chupacabra… a beast of Latin-American folklore. Here is a photo of a suspected Chupacabra:

I will admit that I was wrong when I initially suspected that this was just a very, very ugly dog. Turns out it is a very, very ugly dead coyote. Alas, another false alarm. Just like all of the other false alarms that we have endured for centuries.

A colleague of mine, who is about the most sincere person I know, is convinced he has seen a ghost. Better yet, he is also convinced a ghost (or several) lifted him a couple inches off of his bed. I swear to you that he believes this. Another person I work with has actually seen Bigfoot…walking down the sidewalk. I know it sounds like a joke but they are sincere in their beliefs.

So the question is “why the need to make up all of this stuff”? Researchers tend to agree that it is the brains desire to be able to explain everything. A system of “cause and effect” that we simply are born with. If we don’t have a good reason for something, we just make something up to explain it. One of the more ridiculous examples of this was televangelist John Hagee blaming Hurricane Katrina on the fact a gay pride parade was scheduled and God was pi**ed. Again, I am not making this up.

So, considering that religious folks already believe in a being they can’t see, are they more likely to believe in other stuff? Interestingly, because religious people have an omnipotent God, they are actually less likely to believe in Bigfoot, for instance. In fact, according to research, the more often they go to church the less likely they believe in other paranormal activities. Interesting, huh?

Elizabeth is no doubt chomping at the bit to say, “Of course stupid people believe in religion and ghosts, they’re stupid!” Sorry to burst your bubble but studies show that Ph.D.s are as likely as high school drop outs to believe in all things paranormal. That’s right. Dr. Phil is as likely to talk to his dead cousin as the dude living in the gutter down the block.

So, do not discriminate against your religious and paranormal friends. They are merely filling a gap that the human brain insists must be filled. And really, what is the harm in believing? If it makes you a better person, how is that a bad thing? Just stay away from any extreme and your life will be just swell.

One last note to my UFO believing friends. I know you don’t like to be lumped in with the other loons because, technically, Unidentified Flying Objects really do occur on a fairly regular basis. I saw one when I was about 8 and standing with a group of adults…a big ball of fire in the sky that just evaporated. Most definitely an unidentified object. However, later that evening I was not kidnapped and anal probed by beings with big black eyes. UFO’s? No problem. Aliens? You might as well join your local Bigfoot club. Or as Jim Morrison used to say, “Out here we is stoned immaculate”.

Happy hunting whatever you are looking for.

Clay Aiken Is Gay? Not For Long!

First, can I say how absolutely shocked I am to find out Clay is gay. When I think of a “man’s man”, I think of Paul Newman, Motorhead, Clint Eastwood and Clay Aiken. Granted, I don’t have much of a gaydar so it is possible that I missed something.

While I have nothing against being gay, I have learned recently (from a church in Alaska) that we can pray the gay right out of Clay. I am not sure if we will need a Ouija board or any other special tools but I think it can be done. The prayer would be something like, “Dear Jesus, tell Clay to quit being gay. Thank you”. Again, I am no expert but I think that will work.

Now some of you may wonder why we need to pray the gay out of Clay. I think it is because being gay means he will burn in an eternal hell. Plus, lots of religious folks will be out the money they spent on his CD’s. (You can’t have “gay” music in a Christian house. It may spread the gay).

Hopefully, if we all join together, we can make Clay straight again. Ok, not really “again” since I suspect Clay has never seen a day of “straight” in his life. Once we are done fixing Clay, we can help all of the other celebrities out there that also need to be fixed. (I think we should start with George Clooney). Then we will be a big happy straight world where wars will stop and people will all love each other again. Sure, Sen. Larry Craig will have nothing left to do in the men’s room but that is the price that needs to be paid.

So look out you gay people. Me, Jesus and a lot of my loving, gentle, non-judgmental, all forgiving Christian friends are going to hunt you down and pray the gay right out of you!

(Reminds me of that commercial – “I’m gonna wash that gay right out of my hair, I’m gonna wash that gay right out of my hair.” I never did understand exactly what that meant).