The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is Everything

I am afraid that Global Warming is going to end the world but not before I die due to any of the various winter “storms of the century”. Or, Al Gore continues to speak and the greenhouse gasses he spews kills us all.

I fear that my lack of faith will lead to an eternal death but I am equally afraid of picking the wrong team. (Arriving in Heaven – “Excuse me, is Jesus here?” Large black man – “Sorry dude, you picked the wrong team. Asa lama lakum”)… Well, fu**.

I fear that I will have an enlarged bladder, enlarged prostate, and enlarged thingy. When I cut loose, it will be like a fire hydrant exploding and I will injure innocent bystanders.

I am afraid that I will be attacked by Al Qaeda but am equally afraid that I will be attacked by Randy Quaid trying to steal my lunch money. Where is the US military when you really need them?

I worry about not having health care but also worry about having crappy health care. “Oh! We were supposed to remove your gall bladder. Well sir, shit happens”.

I worry that the music industry will file a law suit against me for downloading music illegally but I am equally worried that the quality of the music will leave me deaf within 6 months.

I fear that Sarah Palin is not nearly as brilliant as she appears to be. I also fear that she is having a secret affair with Al Sharpton. (Explains the retarded baby).

I worry that Steven Spielberg will suffer from dementia and make a sequel to Jaws called Jews where short white men will swim aimlessly in the ocean looking for lost change.

I worry that the Tea Party people will recruit folks from Kentucky and they will go around trying to tea bag everyone. Worse yet, they will rub lemons on their junk which will make everyone pucker up and give the appearance of smooching their man purses.

I fear that the Mayans got it wrong and the world will really end in 2013. Vito is going to want his exceedingly large loan back and Salma Hayek, whose boobs I grabbed as the clock struck twelve, is going to punch my lights out. Oh, and the “wouldn’t it be funny if I painted my junk red, white and blue and run on the football field” will seem slightly less funny. Fu**ing Mayans…would it kill you to buy a watch?

Finally, I worry that the medication I am on will wear off soon and I regret writing all of the things mentioned above. I also fear that the meds I stole from the lady down the hall might give me a vagina. Is that possible?

Who The Hell Is Alan Keyes?

I know he has run for POTUS like 6 times but, other than that, who is he and what does he do for a living? More importantly, how do I get a job like his? You know, just show up at events and protest. I would rock at a job like that. 

Most recently, he was arrested for protesting Obama speaking at Notre Dame. (And by the way, can Barry give a great speech or what? Love him or hate him, the dude has a way with words). 

Anyway, back to Alan. What job did he have to take time off from to mosey on up to South Bend to lodge this protest? Is he an attorney, politician, accountant, actor, clown, sewer cleaner? What the hell does this guy actually do? 

Alan reminds me of the Honorable Reverend Al Sharpton. The difference is, I know that Al is a preacher man and has some non-profit (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) organizations. This is how he buys his awesome looking suits and keeps that hair slicked down with a couple of gallons of 10w 30. He is a working man. 

On the other hand, Alan just pops out of the woodwork every now and then. Today, it’s abortion and tomorrow it might be that America sells too many blue cars. He is truly one eclectic cat.   

The king of not really having a job is Jesse Jackson. (By the way, is it a coincidence or conspiracy that these 3 guys are all black?) I am not sure that Jesse has ever actually had a regular job. Granted, he has done a great deal for civil rights and that might be slightly more important than a 9 to 5 job. Plus, I love how he rhymes everything. That is not easy, and I am not peasy. See? I told you rhyming is hard. 

So Alan, Al, and Jesse…how does a tired brother like me get a gig like you have? Can I just show up at rallies and someone hands me a check? Whose job is it to bail me out of jail? (I don’t want to end up like Ram). Will all of these arrests look bad to potential employers or will they see me as Gandhi like and hire me out of pity? These are just some of the questions I need answered. 

By the way, was the protest at Notre Dame a success? Did a woman somewhere say, “Well, I was gonna get an abortion but, since Alan Keyes is against it, I have changed my mind”. If not, what the hell was the point of all of that? I am not condoning abortion but I can’t imagine vilifying women is a good way to achieve your goal. You think about that Alan Keyes as you do whatever the hell your real job is.

What’s Wrong With “Obama Fried Chicken”?

A couple of restaurants in New York City have decided to try to take advantage of the Obama name. One named itself, “Obama Fried Chicken” and the other named itself, “Obama Fried Chicken and Pizza”. 

Both restaurants are in predominantly black neighborhoods so it makes sense that they are trying to promote the Obama name. (Although I must say, I really don’t get the connection between fried chicken and pizza). 

Anyway, this has caused an uproar among community activists. Apparently, these names are being viewed as racist and are an affront to the black community. Now, as you all know, I am quite sensitive to racial matters but I fail to see the connection. 

Some have said that you wouldn’t use McCain’s name in such a place. Of course not…what does McCain have to do with the black community? You DID see Bush’s name used with barbeque places and at hole in the wall joints in Texas. If McCain were still alive, I am sure he would get a restaurant named after him somewhere. 

Personally, I am thinking of opening a fish food restaurant named after Sarah Palin. Something like, “Sarah Palin’s Smelly Fish”. Ok, that’s not a great title but I am not a marketing guy. I am sure one of you will have a much better suggestion. 

Back to Obama and chicken. Do only black people eat chicken? Cause when I was chowing down on some of the Colonels best the other day I am pretty sure I was surrounded by whitey. (Not that they bother me…much). 

The workers at both restaurants say that the names were used to celebrate the new president. No they weren’t…they were used to make money. But what is wrong with that? Isn’t that the American way? Why would you begrudge anyone from earning an extra buck or two in these times? 

I know Barry and he is not offended by such things. If you said he had a crappy jump shot or small ding-ding, THEN he would be offended. A chicken shack? He could care less. 

So those of you that are all revved up over this non-issue, relax. Besides, from what I hear, both Obama chicken places only serve dark meat. (Or was it white meat?)

Obama Looks Like A Dead Monkey?

Do me a favor. Look at this cartoon out of the New York Post:

What is the first thing you think of when you see that cartoon? Two things immediately popped into my mind. First, both of those cops need to get nose jobs. Seriously, how can they even carry those things around without hurting their necks everyday? The second thing I thought was, “Damn, that guy is a pretty good shot”. Sure, it was at close range but I bet the monkey was acting all…well…apesh**!

Basically, every media whore personality, jumped on the fact that the monkey was meant to portray Obama. Now you know that I, being an occasional black person, do not condone any kind of racial bigotry. (Ok, I do have an issue with Eskimos). But besides the nose rubbers, I am the first to stand up for what is right when it comes to these matters. And so, the truth is the first thing I thought of when I saw this was that even an idiot monkey could write that piece of crap bailout bill.

That’s the honest to Jehovah truth. It wasn’t until I was surfing later that I read the comments of the Honorable Rev. Al Sharpton. Reverend Al said  the cartoon was, “troubling at best given the historic racist attacks of African-Americans as being synonymous with monkeys.” Really? We just voted a kind of black man in office but if you make a monkey joke you are racist? I completely and utterly miss the correlation.

This continues to be a problem for our country in all aspects of race, gender, and religion. Every group, even white males (KKK) feel like they are somehow being offended and read way to much into the most innocuous events. Could we all just sac up a little please? There are plenty of real crimes against humanity out there. So many, in fact, that I could just write a blog about them everyday. Gay person being beaten? Yup. Person of color being assaulted? Check. Woman being sexually abused? Several times a day. When this kind of thing gets blown out of proportion, it takes the spotlight off of the real problems we face.

Eh…enough of my soapbox speech. Back to what you hoodlums came here for.

One time, in band camp, I met that hot monkey chick from Planet of the Apes. (You know, the one that Charlton Heston wanted to bang). Well, we knocked back a few banana daiquiris after practice one day and can I just tell you she rocked my world! Monkey chicks can do the most amazing things! And her tail? Oh my God…if only all women had a tail. What a wonderful world it would be. I don’t know where you are monkey woman, but I still fling my poopy around every once in a while just like we did in the old days. I miss you…

(That damned Heston! Always trying to get busy with my monkey girlfriend).

If Only Sarah Palin Were The VP

Just think of all of the wonderful things she would have already accomplished in her first week.

• She would have abolished same sex marriage in the entire world
• She would have made sure that only creationism was taught in all schools
• She would have funded sex education…as long as it consisted only of abstinence
• She would have banned abortion, except for unwed teen mothers. (She’s not gonna let that happen again!)
• She would have given every American a rifle
• She would have drilled, baby, drilled. Even in places like Los Angeles and New York City. (You have to look everywhere).
• She would have bombed Russia because she is sick of looking at it and it ruins the view from her kitchen
• She would have mandated that all women wear black or red pumps every day
• She would have made English the second language to her native Alaskan / Caucasian-onics (Kind of like Ebonics but reversed)
• She would have mandated all newspapers have more pictures and less words

And the list goes on. We would be living in the most awesome-est country in the world if Sarah were VPILF. How could she have done all of this if she were only the VP? Simple, McCain died like 3 months ago. It was too late to get another candidate so they just propped his body up for awhile.

For me, the best part would be just bathing in her majestic awesomeness. Seeing her on TV everyday would be exciting. What color pumps will she be wearing? What color lipstick? Hair up or hair down? Knee high or upper calf length skirt? Everyday would be a mystery and people would be overcome with anticipation awaiting the results. Look at her splendor once again:

Look how she even matches the flowers of her lapel with then ones in the background. Do you think that Joe Biden has that kind of savoir faire? I think not. And, let’s be honest…we haven’t seen that kind of magnificent hair since the days of Farrah Fawcett. (Who, by the way, did not really age terribly well).

(Although she probably still holds the record for most ridiculous looking celebrity “erasers”)

No, instead of electing the American Lady Di, we had to go for Barry just so we can now say, “See? We are not racist anymore”. What a load of hooey. If we really were not racist, we would have already elected Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or that token black Republican guy they trot out every once in awhile, Alan Keyes. Hell, even the entertainers at the inauguration were primarily light skinned African Americans. Where was Snoop, Lil Scrappy, C-BO, Brotha Lynch Hung, 40 Cal and all of the real artists? Beyonce? Puh-leeze.

America should have voted with their hearts…not their brains. (Or, for men, their ding-dings). The good news is all is not lost. In 2012, Sarah will be back and with God’s grace and a good plastic surgeon, look better than ever. Then we can finally rejoice and get some real change! (Ladies, might as well start getting your high heel collection started now).

How Can You Not Love Blago?

He is convinced that he is immune to anything…including kryptonite. Today, in his latest “fu** you” move, he appointed former state Attorney General Roland Burris to the senate seat vacated by Obama. The first thing you should know about Burris is that he is as old as dirt, 71. You should also know that he would be the only black senator this country currently has. I must confess, I was not aware of this. (I need to check on how many Hispanics, Indians, China people and other minorities are also being ignored…might be a trend).

Quick as a cat, President-elect Obama (aka the Magic Negro), supported the democrats decision not seat Mr. Burris. Apparently, one magic negro is enough for Senator Obama. Barry once again sides with whitey. I must say, his act is already getting old. Where the hell is Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton when you need them? 

Look, the bottom line is that Rod  Blagojevich is still the Governor of Illinois. You don’t have to like that but it does not give the senate, or Barry, the right to circumvent the rules. The governor gets to decide who fills the senate seat and he has decided. Case closed. Don’t make me get Mrs. Blago up here to teach you all a fu**in’ lesson or two. (She would make Hillary quiver with fear).

I still say this has more to do with Blago’s wicked awesome hair and less to do with some sort of criminal activity. Who even wants to be a senator in Illinois? Blago was probably trying to bribe people to take the stinking job. All I know is that somewhere George Allen and Robert Byrd are thinking to themselves, “Thank God, not another colored fella”. (They might have used a different word than “colored”).

Blago, I am behind you 100%. These hypocritical, lying, thieving, in-bred, back stabbing political ingrates can go screw themselves. They are as dirty, if not more dirty, than you have ever been. They just don’t have the sac to tell it like it is. And shame on you, Magic Negro Obama for not doing the right thing here. You know Burris deserves that senate seat regardless of who appoints him. You could solve this but instead, you will just leave the mess for Dubya to clean up. How democratic of you.

And Patti, Mrs. Blagojevich, if you feel the need to have a public breakdown and curse every last person you can think of, I support that as well. (And might I say, you are looking lovely these days).

Here is a nice rant from one of my favorite guys, Robert Montgomery Knight. You can use it as a guide to come up with your own speech. (Quite of few bad words in Bob’s pep talk but you will feel better about yourself after listening. Like me, Bob is also a people person.)