I should also mention that you need to live in Philly. Read all about it here. http://www.takecontrolphilly.org/ Thank goodness someone is literally taking control of the problem of teenage STD’s and pregnancy. (Well, to be exact, pre-teen and teen). Fill out the form and they will send them to you in the mail. How awesome is that? You don’t even need your stupid parent’s consent.
Unfortunately, if you are over 19, no free condoms for you. But that’s ok. Old women shouldn’t be having babies anyway. And if you get the herpes…well, you can just say you are a celebrity or something.
There are some possible drawbacks to this program. First, if everyone really did use condoms, who in the hell would be available as a guest for the Maury Povich show? It would be a crying shame not to see if Billy Bob or Tyrone ARE or ARE NOT the parents of little Skillet or D’Brickashaw. Plus, Pregnant at 16 or whatever those shows are on MTV would be over. It would suck not being able to see the ugly teenage mom beat the crap out of her fat, retarded boyfriend.
Plus, I am sure some people are going to say that 11 is way to young to give somebody a condom. Nevermind the emotional and practical consequences of such behavior; how will they even know how to use the thing? No problem. takecontrolphilly.com has got it covered. Here are the instructions:
- AFTER EJACULATION (coming), and while the penis is still hard, hold the condom at the base of the penis and pull out of your partner’s vagina or anus. Gently roll the condom back toward the penis head and remove. Throw it in the trash. DO NOT flush it down the toilet.
Out of the “vagina or anus”. Oh yeah, our boys in Philly are going to be backdoor men. I am glad to see that they instruct the kids not to flush them down the toilet. They should throw them on the floor board of their Big Wheel or shoot them like rubber bands at their teachers. Oh the fun to be had by all!
One last note. If you go to one of the clinics that are open for the young people and are diagnosed with an STD, no worries. Your parents will NOT be notified. Sure, at some point you are going to have to explain what that big gaping open sore on your lip is but you can cross that bridge when you get to it. It is good to know that there are organizations out there willing to be the parents of other people’s children. (Whether the parent’s consent or not).
There are a whole litany of lines that I am inclined to cross regarding this subject but I will show restraint. (Like I normally do).
11 year old: “I’m not wearing that. I can’t feel you”.