Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio…

Update: A tip of my gin and juice for Gary Coleman. I thought for sure Todd Bridges would beat him to the grave.

I have been asked this question a lot lately. Well, not about Joe D but about me. Where have I gone? Was I depressed? Incarcerated? Abducted by aliens and anally probed yet again? The answer is yes to all of the above plus other reasons.

I have talked about being depressed before but, for some reason, I fell into a pretty dark place a few months ago. I couldn’t tell you why. It just engulfed me like a large, wet coat that I could not get out of. There was a brief moment where I wondered if this was what a nervous breakdown felt like or maybe I was destined for a loony bin somewhere. I just wanted to cry and could not climb out of a very deep hole. The fact that I could not seem to control my emotions and mood was very unnerving.

Fortunately, over time, I climbed my way out of the pit but I do worry sometimes that this doom and gloom might rear its ugly head again. This depression really has a negative impact on my awesomeness and that is a problem. Even my stalkers threatened to leave me for Gary Coleman if I didn’t pull it together. So, that was a big part of the reason I vanished.

As for the incarceration and aliens, I don’t want to talk about it. I will just say this. When I pass gas, you can’t hear it anymore. Try making an O shape with your mouth and see how much noise you can make by blowing through it. Now you see my dilemma. Don’t even get me started about the leakage. I can never sit in a cloth chair again.

I have also been busy working at Hooters. With the new weight enforcement, I have had to really buckle down on what I eat. Plus, you have no idea how long it takes to shave my body and tuck myself so that I don’t “show” in my short shorts. As an occasional black man, I have to be careful not to knock on my own back door when I am pushing my Mandingo backwards. It’s not easy being me.

Lastly, I just ran out of new things to say. When I crossed the 400 post mark, I had said pretty much everything I needed to say. Honestly, what subject have I not covered? When you have already tapped the midget and Eskimo’s reservoir, the well is running dry. I needed some time so I could forget what I had written previously so I could write it all over again. Have I said much lately about Sarah Palin? I really need to expound on my affection for her.

In the end, I will never be nearly as prolific as I used to be. However, I hope that I still have something to say on occasion. I would also like to take this time to thank those of you that have stuck it out with me. Sure, you life is sad and lonely because you live in a basement that smells like cat piss, but I love you. Never forget that. Until the next time, I bid you adieu. TL