Technically, the sparkly rock is referred to as a “vivid pink diamond”. Whatever…a rock is a rock in my world. The fact that it is shiny maybe makes it a slightly better rock. Possibly on par with a Pet Rock but not much more.
I have never understood the inherent value of precious gems and metals. Metals make a little more sense to me because a copper pipe is better than, say, an aluminum pipe. (By the way, if you know a Brit, have them say the word “aluminum”. You will be laughing for hours).
But why would a pink diamond be worth 10+ million? Simply because it is rare? If that’s the case, what am I worth? I am a genuine one of a kind, Jesus made, aged but not old superstar. When I tried to sell myself on Craigslist, I only got a $10 bid. (And that was from my son because he thought daddy was pathetic).
My wife is always going on about wanting more diamonds. I suspect all women have the same demand. Again I ask, “What the hell is the point of wearing a shiny, hugely expensive rock on your finger?” It makes no sense at all. I bought her a huge chunk of coal and taped it to a ring in hopes that this would suffice. Obviously, it did not.
Can’t you women come up with some sort of swapping system for all of your useless jewelry? You get sick of an Amethyst, for instance, send it over to Sally for a couple of weeks. My Oz, if we can swap sexual partners I would certainly think we could handle some rings and earrings. I realize that this is already a standard practice in trailer parks across America but I am not counting cubic zirconium or plastic products.
Don’t get me wrong, I do buy my wife jewelry in spite of my disdain. The last thing I bought was one of those “open heart” diamonds at Zale’s because the sales dude said that if you buy one you get to bang Jane Seymour. I am still waiting for that phone call and am starting to think I may have been duped.
(Still waiting Jane…555-867-5309. Oh wait, you are in England. Pick up the phone, twirl the handle on the right side of the phone box several times until an operator answers. Then ask for pennsylvania 6-5000. That should do the trick).
I have a Christmas wish. (Which I can have because I am totally on the Jesus bandwagon this time of year). Could all of you ladies ask for something practical this year? Like maybe a new grill for the family. Or possibly a new vacuum so you can do your womanly work more efficiently. Definitely request one of those “2 sizes up” bras from Victoria’s Secrets. Wait, disregard that last suggestion. You will only disappoint your man when you take it off.
Well, I am glad we had this chat and I was able to air some non-misogynist laundry that needed to get done. Jewelry swap…think about it!
Posted by tannerleah 
