Why No Nukes For Iran?

I really don’t understand this. Isn’t Iran a sovereign nation? Don’t they have the right to decide whether they want to pursue nuclear technology as they see fit? Why is it that only countries holding nukes are saying they can’t have any? 

Imagine another country telling the US what to do …about anything. People would be through the roof carrying on about our rights and freedoms. Yet with the Iranians, because they are evil, we get to dictate what they can and cannot do. Ridiculous. 

Think of it this way. Because Muslims do not approve of alcohol and are the majority religion in the world, what if they decided that the US could no longer sell beer? There would be a bunch of pissed off rednecks to contend with. Sure, no loss to get rid of Schlitz or PBR, but what about the good stuff? Also, what if they said that women were no longer allowed to shave? How would you like to deal with that? Armpits and bushes looking all French and everything. Eww… 

However, since this is the path we have chosen to take, I have decided to embrace my God given power and make some other demands: 

Germany – Please stop speaking German. That guttural sound you make is making me sick. It doesn’t sound good and hurts my ears. Start speaking French…immediately. 

France – Would it kill you people to bathe and shave on a regular basis? Make it happen. 

England – Really…are there no dentists in that country anywhere? 

China – Stop killing panda bears and wearing them for coats. What the hell is wrong with you? Plus, buy some forks. Eating with wood sticks is just ridiculous. 

Mexico – Eh, I don’t really have any complaints with you guys. You work hard and gave us tacos. You rock. 

Canadians – Change your national anthem since you stole it from France. That’s just rude. Also, take back Celine but give us Shania. Thank you. 

There are several hundred more demands that I will publish in my manifesto titled, “Do What I Fu**ing Tell You To Do”. If you have any demands you would like me to add, just let me know.

People My Age Are Dropping Like Flies

My friend told me a sad story last week. He said that his neighbor passed away unexpectedly at the age of 52. He apparently had no previous health issues…just keeled over without warning. 

I didn’t think much of it as these kind of “one-off” tragedies happen a couple of times a millennium. That is until I just happened to pick up the local newspaper. This alone was odd since I don’t normally read the local paper because, frankly, I don’t really care what the people around me are doing. 

Still, they left a free one for me so I thought I would take a peak at the obituaries. I do this every so often so I can take comfort in the fact that the people listed are generally really, really old. When I see ages of 82, 96, 77, etc. I feel much better about my longevity. 

So, I started to read the ages. Quickly, I scanned a 52. Hmm…maybe this was my friend’s neighbor? Then I see a 47. WTF? That’s like lightening hitting twice on the same day. Then I see a 51 and a 36. Stop the mother fu**ing presses! What in the world is going on here? 

As you know, they almost never put the reason for the death in the obituary. Just stuff like “passed away Tuesday”. Well, I need to know exactly how these people died. So, I read the rest of the paper looking for car crashes or buildings blowing up. Nothing. It’s almost as if these people died for no apparent reason. 

Needless to say, I have been shaken deeply by this. The comfort I used to have in knowing that it is just old people that die is now gone. I could kick the bucket any minute and all I would get it is, “He passed Monday”. This is unacceptable. 

So, I am going to make changes in my life. I am going to take better care of myself and live each day to the fullest. In fact, as soon as I put this double cheeseburger down, I am NOT going to walk to the vending machine for a Snickers bar. Ok, that’s a lie. I will walk to the vending machine but I will walk briskly. 

Also, I am going to start doing stuff. Maybe climb a mountain or swim with the sharks or something. I need to take a nap first to build some energy to think this through but I am committed. Sure, I don’t mean I am going to do this stuff right away, but in the next 10 to 15 years, I will have probably checked a few items off of my bucket list. (Luckily, Sarah Palin’s book coming out can now be scratched off of the list. Rogue, indeed.) 

I also encourage all of you to do something. Don’t let life pass you by. As soon as you are done reading this, go fire up a cigarette or get a hooker (or both). Life is short and you should enjoy it while you can. As Tim McGraw said, “Live like you were dying”. (He also mentions something about having sex with a bull but I never really understood his point). Much love, TL

Randy Quaid Charity Drive

I was deeply saddened to read that a superstar like Randy Quaid has had to resort to robbing innkeepers to make it through life. Even worse, he apparently drags his wife Evi along for these excursions.

(The Quaids before their lives went to shit.) 

Let me start with the most obvious observation. I am more than a little pissed off that Randy’s brother Dennis isn’t leading the charge to help his older, slightly retarded, brother. Dennis is flat out loaded so you would think he could buy Randy a trailer or something. 

Nonetheless, I am taking this cause on myself. Screw Dennis. To start, I am trying to reach out to Jerry Lewis to see if he would be willing to host some kind of telethon. Let’s be honest, he should be doing more than one a year anyway. 

I am also trying to put together a food drive so at least Randy and Evi can eat on a regular basis. I don’t have the logistics worked out, but I will be asking for you to send in food. Obviously, Randy is a superstar and can’t be eating crap like canned corn or a can of mysterious “beef stew”. (Sure, I bet there is a ton of beef in that can). 

No, he will need more of a surf and turf kind of menu. So please, put aside a little pate and caviar so Randy doesn’t have to eat like a peasant. Randy also strikes me as a guy that indulges in the drink a little so a fine scotch or bourbon would also be welcomed. (No PBR or Schlitz Malt Liquor will be accepted.) 

Also, to be totally honest, Randy hasn’t been in an excellent movie since The Adventures of Pluto Nash way back in 2002. If you know any directors or producers, could you please put in a good word for Randy? No one and I mean no one, plays the lovable drunk loser better than Randy. Sure, he is not really acting but it still counts. 

It is a tragedy when a national icon like Randy Quaid has to stoop to this level just to make ends meet. How can this happen in my country? Where is Obamacare for Randy? Where is his bailout? What’s next, Tom Hanks sleeping in a trashcan? Where will it all end? 

Please, for the love of all that is holy, let’s help this man. Stop giving all of your money to Sarah McLachlan to “save the poor animals”. Screw them…we have a genuine hero that needs our help. For probably $2.12 a week, you can feed the Quaid family. Won’t you help…please?

Kentucky Census Taker = Bad Job

I have always had census taker on my list of easy jobs to consider once I near retirement. Just strolling around neighborhoods asking homeowners simple questions. Seemed like a pretty good gig. 

That was until I read about the case of Bill Sparkman. By all accounts, Bill was an easy going guy who was moonlighting as a census taker for some extra cash. This seemed to be working pretty well until he was found hanging in a tree with the word “fed” carved into his chest. 

Granted, this happened in the hills of Kentucky and we all know that inbreeding can cause all kinds of behavioral problems. Did he stumble across a meth lab? Did he run into one of those “patriotic” families that wanted to make an example out of a government employee? No one seems to know. Obviously, the good folks of inbred nation are something less than forthcoming when they realize one of their own is involved. 

A very sensitive Kelsee Brown, a waitress at the Huddle House, had these poignant words to say. “Sometimes I think the government should stick their nose out of people’s business and stick their nose in their business at the same time.” Umm, sure…whatever the hell that means. Good to see that GED is really paying off for you, Kelsee. (Also glad your parents took the time to search out the correct way to spell your name). 

Because being a census taker is a government job, federal agents are involved in pursuing the investigation. I think they got off to a smashing start when FBI spokesman David Beyer stated, “agents are trying to determine if foul play was involved.” Now, I am no FBI dude but, if I had to guess, I am going to say this was not an inside job. 

My understanding is that Kentucky is technically a “commonwealth”. I don’t know what that means but it sounds like a fancier word for “inbreeding factory”. Is there some reason we can’t just break them off from the union and build a fence around that place? They are clearly more dangerous than Mexicans and don’t work nearly as hard. Save the Mexican fence for later. Let’s corral those Kentuckians first. 

Message to my Kentucky friends. In spite of what Michelle Bachmann says, census takers are NOT trying to send conservatives to internment camps. I know it’s hard to believe that someone talking through the magic TV box could be lying to you, but they are. For God’s sake, turn the TV off for 5 minutes and stop banging your sister or first cousin. Thank you. 

PS: Don’t forget the Kentucky Pride Parade takes place next week. Be there!

Mackenzie Phillips Slept With Her Dad

Apparently, this is one of the stories that will come out in her new book, “High on Arrival”. Is this allegation true? I don’t know, so let’s ask her dad, John Phillips. Oh wait…John died several years ago so we will never know his side of the story. How convenient.

Why do people insist on throwing the dead under the bus? If this was such an integral part of her life, shouldn’t she have brought it up before now? Why wait until your career is dead and those involved are equally dead? Could it be…oh, I don’t know…for the money? 

Didn’t her costar, Valerie Bertinelli, also recently write a “tell all” book? I wonder if the two could in anyway be related. It’s too bad that Schneider is dead because who knows what kind of crazy celebrities he banged. 

To be honest, I am skeptical of this story for two reasons. First, have you ever seen John’s wife, Michelle Phillips? She is smoking hot. Second, have you ever seen Mackenzie Phillips? Her face looks like it was leveled with a road grader. Why in the world would a celebrity with a hot wife, who could have all kinds of women, bang his ugly daughter? Would you hit this?

I didn’t think so. Mac also says that she slept with Mick Jagger. This is possible because he may have thrown her a pity fu** as a favor to her family. Mick is kind like that. He has done all kinds of ugly women in his day. (David Bowie probably being the ugliest of the lot). 

Look, if John Phillips actually slept with his own daughter, he is probably roasting quite nicely in hell. But why must we have the tell all book? Who cares? And who gets to defend the defenseless dead guy? I slept with Ed McMahon but you don’t see me writing a book about it. (Oh, the stories I could tell. I didn’t call him “Mr. Ed” for nothing.) 

Enjoy your last 15 minutes on Oprah, Mackenzie. Maybe someone will actually remember you were the ugly kid on “One Day at a Time”. Probably, most won’t. In your next book, you can one up yourself and talk about the tryst you had with Jesus Christ behind the 7-11 when you were twelve. I am sure it will be riveting.

Would It Kill Terrorists To Shave?

Here is one of the many questions that keep me up at night. Why do terrorists insist on looking like terrorists? I mean, where is the training on disguises or blending into the local community? 

The latest alleged terrorist to be arrested is Najibullah Zazi. Here is a photo of Naj.

Already, without him uttering a word, I can tell he is probably guilty. Why? Because he is wearing that scruffy looking beard that all terrorists wear. I could see if he was hiding out in an Amish community but this look just isn’t going to work in the rest of the country. He might as well be wearing batteries and wires taped to his chest. Guilty, guilty, guilty. 

Beyond the look, of course, is the unpronounceable name. Wouldn’t it behoove just one of these guys to change their name to Bob Smith or Joe West? You know…at least make a tiny effort to hide their roots? But no, they just collect the vowels and move straight ahead. 

Now, for all I know, Naj is totally innocent of the charges against him. However, due to his name and the fact that he is wearing a goat beard, I am going to have to vote against him. (Oh, and the bomb making paperwork in his car kind of works against him too). 

To be fair, however, Naj does have his fair share of supporters. His aunt, Rabia, gave an iron clad reason for her nephew’s innocence. She said, “He doesn’t have time. He’s working.” How do you plan on overcoming that bit of hard core information Mr. Prosecutor? It’s not going to be quite as easy as you thought it was, is it? 

My guess is that the terrorists must not have cartoons in their country. If so, they would know what every American kid knows by the age of 5. If you are going to set up a trap or make a bomb, you first buy a disguise kit from ACME. Then, once you have thoroughly fooled everyone, you do your dirty deed. 

There was a reason that they didn’t pick fat chicks to be on Charlie’s Angels. You can’t go undercover as a model or roller skater if you are pushing 350 pounds. (That’s 100 kilos in foreign weight). Al Qaeda would be well served to watch a little American TV before trying anymore shenanigans.

Do You Prefer The Rabbit Or The Dolphin?

If you had asked me this question before last week, I would have not had a clue what you were going on about. However, thanks to my being indoctrinated into the seedy, dark world that most women live in, I can now answer this question. ..kind of.

Let me back up a bit. I went to a dinner last week with a large group. For whatever reason, I was seated at a table with primarily women. Within about 30 seconds of being seated, they had started up with sex talk, like they do. 

Mostly, they were complaining about how men were unfulfilling to them, either physically or emotionally, and what they each did about it. Enter the Rabbit and the Dolphin. At first, I could not see the connection. Why would either of these mammals make you happy sexually? 

Then the details started to come out. For some reason, and I didn’t ask for the finer details, these are the names of vibrators. Why a rabbit and dolphin? I have no idea. I know rabbits do it a lot so maybe that explains that. However, why in the world would you have sex with a dolphin? Is it the fin? The bottle shaped nose? Again, I didn’t ask. 

But here is the core lesson I learned. Women are animals. In fact, I will go on record and say that they are bigger animals than men. Men take the bad rap but women are actively using these instruments on, apparently, virtually a daily basis. Also, it doesn’t matter if you are a married gal or single…you are still “doing it” with your little critter all of the time. 

The only other male at the table was so distressed; he got up and called his wife to see if she was also an owner of one of these contraptions. To no ones surprise, she was. (Although she was adamant that she was only an occasionally user. Liar.) 

There was also talk of a sex tool that you could attach to the shower wall and impale yourself upon but, by this time, my eyes had glossed over and I was in a semi state of shock. I simply couldn’t take in anymore information. These women who are the mothers of our children and pillars of our society, are sexual wildcats. They are cheating with a piece of plastic and batteries more times than most of us brush our teeth. 

When is this happening? Who knows but it is obviously a clandestine event and women have mastered the details. My guess is that the electric toothbrush noise that one hears is probably the dirty deed occurring. No wonder women are always brushing their teeth. 

I can’t talk about this anymore because I am deeply dismayed by the whole thing. I think of women in terms of integrity, honesty, loyalty, lovingness, and various other positive attributes. Now, I realize they are just skeezy harlots buzzing themselves all day long. 

I would ask if your mother would be proud of you but she is too busy abusing herself with her Rabbit to give a crap.

My Man, Kanye…Keeping It Real.

As you probably have heard by now, Kanye got up onstage after some skinny country chick won the MTV best video award. With righteous indignation, Kanye merely pointed out that Beyonce should have won the award. 

What part of this is a problem? Did you really want to hear this no-name country hick give praise to Jesus and her momma and poppa? Who cares what she has to say or what she thinks. Kanye speaks for the entire free world. Basically, it’s his job. 

Some have suggested that K just wanted to get some publicity because his album sales have been less than inspiring lately. This is patently ridiculous. Kanye is at the top of the entertainment world now that Michael is dead. He doesn’t need any publicity because his extraordinary talent speaks for itself. 

Keep in mind; this is the genius that wrote these beautiful lyrics: 

Ahh… The sweet taste of victory
Go head and breath it in like antihistamine  

Bob Dylan who? That is the stuff of legends (and I don’t mean that creepy John Legend who always seems to be having a party in his pants). Has anyone ever in the history of music rhymed “antihistamine”? I thought not. 

Predictably, other “stars” had something to say about Kanye’s speech. First, there was Pink. You remember her, don’t you? She is the he/she that was famous for about 10 minutes in the 90’s. I don’t know what she said and I don’t care. 

Next up was Kelly Clarkson. She wrote something on her website about Kanye. I am not surprised she wrote it because she couldn’t speak since her mouth is usually full of donuts and PBR. Go back to Texas you freakin’ hillbilly. 

Also not surprising is that most of the people criticizing K are white. I guess they figure that it’s bad enough that they already have to listen to one black man (Obama) and that two is just unacceptable. This is straight profiling and yet another example of the man holding a brother down.   

In an interesting twist, Kanye was going to snatch the microphone from Obama during his speech to the country but that white dude from South Carolina messed up his timing. K hopes to interrupt Jerry Lewis next year and ask why the black man is not represented by neuro muscular diseases. 

All I can say is keep it real my brother. Where there is a microphone and injustice, know that Kanye will be there. 

(Here is a picture of Kanye before he overcame blindness. What a hero).

Pepsi Is For Gay People

I learned this valuable bit of information from the Bell Shoals Baptist church in Brandon, FL. I always thought that Pepsi tasted a little wimpy. Now I know why. The church has banned all Pepsi products so that a) they are not supporting such an unworthy cause and b) no gay rubs off on them.

Church Member Terri “don’t even think I’m gay because of the way I spell my name” Kemple says he convinced the church to join the boycott because, “Pepsi is advocating for the normalization of homosexual behavior in our culture.”

Thank goodness the good folks at Bell Shoals brought this to my attention. I have been drinking a lot of Pepsi lately and, frankly, was feeling a little light in my loafers…if you know what I mean. (Ok, I don’t really know what that saying means either).

Anyway, the new clear winner for my soft drink dollar is Coca Cola. I went to their website to look for manly things to do when, to my horror, I ran across this paragraph relating to the workers at Coke:

The Coca-Cola Gay and Lesbian Forum fosters an equitable work environment where gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) employees can feel a sense of community within our Company.

Are you kidding me!!! Coke is run by the gays too?!?! What the fu** am I supposed to drink if I don’t want to go gay? You know that gayness just drips into the product every time one of the gays touch it.

Remarkably, it even gets worse. Coca Cola has bastardized their logo to embrace the gay culture.

 

Is this my America anymore? And what the hell is GLBT? It sounds like a sandwich. And what is a transgender? Is that when they have half of the stuff of a man and half of a woman? Kind of like an earthworm?

I am absolutely shocked and saddened by this turn of events. I live for carbonated soft drinks and now I am guess I am supposed to go with the generic brands. But who is to say they are not also made by the gays? Or worse…Eskimo’s and little people. Ewwww…

We need to wake up America. Pretty soon our shoes and clothes will be made by children in 3rd world countries (and probably gay children, at that!) Our cars and appliances are already made by the little Asian people in Hawaii.

Where the hell are the manly men that used to make all of this stuff and chew tobacco and smack their women and children around? This is this! I am coming unhinged at the seams. Anyone know a good, straight seamstress?

This explains why my brothers drink gin and juice and Kool-Aid.

I Hate / Love Soccer Moms

As you all know, I have very conflicted feelings about soccer moms. On the one hand, I truly admire that they have sold their bodies and souls to the highest bidder. This is fundamentally sound business and I always appreciate sound business.

Sure, some of the guys they have to lie under night after night look like Ed Asner, but so what? They have a nice home, 2.3 children, “help” around the house, and no damned job. What’s not to love?

Here’s what is not to love. During the daytime hours, when they are not under their fat, bald husbands, they are everywhere! I had today off so I went to run a few errands. I spent the entire day surrounded by soccer moms. They are all in SUV’s or vans and generally have blond hair, big boobs, and some sort of orange-ish, brownish color to them.

But TL, you say, this sounds like a good problem, no? Eye candy for you to feast your eyes on all day. What’s the problem? Here’s is the problem. When you are around them, as much as you might try to avoid it, you will hear them speak. This is when my Stepford world comes crashing down around me.

Don’t get me wrong…I like dumb people. I am one of them. But this is a special kind of stupid. Almost like a chemically induced stupid. It could be their meds or it could be the peroxide seeping into their brains, I just don’t know. It just drives me crazy.

For instance, pulling up to the drive through and literally having no clue what you are going to have to eat. Then, 5 minutes later, you hear them ask, “What kind of fish is the Filet-O-Fish made of? Does it have a lot of carbs?” I strangle the steering wheel as it takes every ounce of self control not to get out of my car and pummel them right then.

But it doesn’t stop there. In any line I am in, they are chock full of stupid questions. “Is the higher or lower the SPF better?” (That’s not even a real question!) “Is there a lot of pulp in this orange juice?” she asks holding the “pulp-free” carton of OJ.   

I am so conflicted. How can something so pretty to look at be so painful to listen to? Maybe ugly people ask the same dumb questions but, since they are ugly, I am not paying any attention to them in the first place. I suppose I could wear my IPod around all day and just fantasize that they are asking really relevant questions.

Or, maybe pretty stupid people should be forced to walk around with duct tape over their mouth. This would prevent them from ever again saying, “That’s a mute point”. Of course, those beautiful Sarah Palin lips would not be on display and that would bum me out.

Pretty soccer moms of the world, please do me a favor. When you see me coming, stop talking and just look beautiful. Let me have a nice quiet party in my pants for a few shining moments. Once I am gone, ask away about healthcare reform, taxes, schools, and any other subject you are woefully ill informed about.

Wow, it feels good to have my misogynist side in full force today.