Who The Hell Is Alan Keyes?

I know he has run for POTUS like 6 times but, other than that, who is he and what does he do for a living? More importantly, how do I get a job like his? You know, just show up at events and protest. I would rock at a job like that. 

Most recently, he was arrested for protesting Obama speaking at Notre Dame. (And by the way, can Barry give a great speech or what? Love him or hate him, the dude has a way with words). 

Anyway, back to Alan. What job did he have to take time off from to mosey on up to South Bend to lodge this protest? Is he an attorney, politician, accountant, actor, clown, sewer cleaner? What the hell does this guy actually do? 

Alan reminds me of the Honorable Reverend Al Sharpton. The difference is, I know that Al is a preacher man and has some non-profit (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) organizations. This is how he buys his awesome looking suits and keeps that hair slicked down with a couple of gallons of 10w 30. He is a working man. 

On the other hand, Alan just pops out of the woodwork every now and then. Today, it’s abortion and tomorrow it might be that America sells too many blue cars. He is truly one eclectic cat.   

The king of not really having a job is Jesse Jackson. (By the way, is it a coincidence or conspiracy that these 3 guys are all black?) I am not sure that Jesse has ever actually had a regular job. Granted, he has done a great deal for civil rights and that might be slightly more important than a 9 to 5 job. Plus, I love how he rhymes everything. That is not easy, and I am not peasy. See? I told you rhyming is hard. 

So Alan, Al, and Jesse…how does a tired brother like me get a gig like you have? Can I just show up at rallies and someone hands me a check? Whose job is it to bail me out of jail? (I don’t want to end up like Ram). Will all of these arrests look bad to potential employers or will they see me as Gandhi like and hire me out of pity? These are just some of the questions I need answered. 

By the way, was the protest at Notre Dame a success? Did a woman somewhere say, “Well, I was gonna get an abortion but, since Alan Keyes is against it, I have changed my mind”. If not, what the hell was the point of all of that? I am not condoning abortion but I can’t imagine vilifying women is a good way to achieve your goal. You think about that Alan Keyes as you do whatever the hell your real job is.