Can We Please Build More Prisons?

March 22, 2009

We have yet another story of a hardened criminal out on parole that, clearly, should not have been on the streets. This time it was in Oakland and, in his desire to go out in a blaze of glory, he killed 4 police officers. This has to be particularly difficult for the family members to accept knowing that the killer should have never been there in the first place.

How many more people need to be murdered, raped, assaulted, or have ANY crime committed against from a repeat offender? I understand that prisons are full and that we, as a society, love to forgive people of their past sins. That’s all fine until someone you love is a victim of one of these repeat offenders.

The simple solution is to build more prisons. Since I am paying significant taxes already, I have no problem with some of that money going to bigger prisons. Just think of it as an infrastructure job. You have construction work plus you will need more prison guards. See? It’s a winner for everyone!

Oh wait, what about the poor criminals that are only in jail because “the man” put it to them or they grew up poor. Maybe they even come from a broken home and didn’t finish high school. Too fu**in bad…I am over it. There was a time when I believed in rehabilitation and, in some cases, I still do. Any non-violent criminal probably does deserve a second chance. Violent offenders, however, should never see the streets again.

Why? Because they are hard wired to always be violent. Study after study tells us this. They have no place in our society…period. If you want to visit them in prison or bake them cookies, knock yourself out. Hell, I am even ok with giving them cable TV and hookers if it keeps them happy. I just don’t want them out in the real world where hard working, innocent people (like the 4 Oakland police officers) can be negatively impacted by their actions.

I am sure the murderer here has a sob story and we will hear how he should have never been pulled over in the first place. Bull crap. Whatever judge or penal system employee that let this dirt bag out now has the deaths of 4 people hanging over their head. Of course, they will say they had no choice…it is the “system”. Fine; here is the answer. Build more jails and do not let violent offenders back out. You can even raise my taxes to do it. Now make it happen.

One last thing. There have been reports of people in Oakland celebrating and honking their horns over the murders. If there are bigger pussies out in the world than this group, I can’t imagine where they exist.

And For No Particular Reason….

March 21, 2009

I present Elizabeth Montgomery. Man, I loved her.


Sleeping With Your Beagle IS Illegal!

March 21, 2009

I came across this great article from The Smoking Gun and thought I would share with those of you that might have missed it.

Michelle Owen, 24 from Whiteland, IN, was apparently pretty peeved with her ex boyfriend, Heath Pierle. This seems to stem from a custody battle the two are having over their child. She accused her ex of searching for child porn on her laptop and took it to the police so they could search it. I bet you have a good idea already as to how this is going to turn out. Here is a photo of Michelle:


Here are the finer details and, I swear, you can read them in the police report. Michelle and Heath decided to make a little video for someone’s amusement, I guess. Michelle laid down nude on the bed and Heath slathered something on her hoo-hoo. Apparently, whatever it was wasn’t good enough so Michelle also slathered something in the same area. They both then said, “Here Toby”. Toby, the third actor in this movie, turns out to be the family pet…a beagle to be exact. The dog, being a fine actor, walked over and started lapping up the mess. According to the police report, Michelle “smiled”.

In the second video, Michelle calls the dog over again but, this time, does not use any condiments. According to the police report, the dog started licking then quickly walked away and Michelle finished her business on her own. When the detective later asked Michelle about the videos, she said, “You mean the ones with the dog?” At least we know Michelle is an honest gal.

Michelle was easy to find when the detective went to question her because she was already in jail for a public intoxication charge. This violated her terms of release from a drunk driving charge. I am going to go out on a limb and say that alcohol has not really been much of a friend to young Michelle.

Clearly, the biggest issue here is the well being of Toby, the hoo-hoo licking dog. Now that he has been down this path, will he ever be able to stop? Will he be a strung out hoo-hoo addict roaming the streets looking for a quick fix? How in the world will he ever be able to go back to Alpo now that he has tasted the “real” thing? The police report fails to give us any follow up information. But, for those of you with faith, please say a little prayer for the little guy. He needs it.

As for Michelle, my suspicion is she will only get worse. Soon, she will be seeking out Great Danes and then, possibly, small monkeys. All of which are felony charges in the state of Indiana. Who knew Indiana would have a problem with bestiality? Hmm…you learn something every day.

mmm…tastes like chicken 

Obama Hates Retards

March 20, 2009

At least that is what I am being told by my republican friends. It would seem that Barry was talking about his bowling skills, or lack thereof, and compared his average to what a contestant from the Special Olympics might score. 

While this might be offensive to some, it is also an outright lie. Many short bus riders are excellent bowlers. Hell, Corky carries like a 210 average. Granted, he is not super retarded but he definitely has “challenges”. 

The truth is I have seen the Special Olympics and most of the athletes competing would kick my a** in just about any event. However, when they do win, they don’t act all douche like. They actually congratulate each other and share the joy of winning with others. 

If Terrell Owens were a retard, the NFL would be a much better place. I think we can say that about most things in life. In fact, I would rather have our mentally challenged people in charge in Washington. Not because they are deep thinkers or will solve the worlds problems in a day but because at least they will be honest. They will look at me with that innocent face and say, “Sorry TL. We are going to have to fu** you now but we will try to make it painless”. 

And why the hell was Barry on Leno in the first place. Doesn’t he have more pressing issues to attend to? The POTUS should be above that kind of stuff. My Oz, how much more TV exposure does the guy need anyway? Will we see him do a guest shot on 30 Rock next week? Maybe he can talk to some of the camera guys from TMZ…that would be titillating. 

I for one don’t think that he meant any harm in his Special Olympics comment. Of course, we as a society, have nothing better to do than to jump on any little PC moment. If Jay wasn’t such a pussy, he would have said something like, “Mr. President, you sure do bowl like a colored person”. Would that have been offensive? Not to me. Or he could have said, “You bowl about as well as you swim”. Again, nothing offensive there. 

To those of you that are retarded, white, black, brown, short, tall, fat, skinny, china-man, or whatever, I apologize for my lack of political correctness. Feel free to hate me for it; then get over it. I am not worthy of your ire. Keep it focused on Barry. He started it. 

And by the way, stop all of the hating on short buses. Some of them are nicer than anything you will ever own.


Time To Kick Back On Friday With Bob…

March 20, 2009

This ends early but don’t let that stop you from searching out some more Bob. Enjoy that blunt.

By the way, no one ever won the “make my wife smile” contest. Why? Because no one entered. This pleases me immensely because it means you felt like she already has the greatest life of all time. How right you are.

Charles Manson: Still Looking Good!

March 19, 2009

I haven’t seen any recent photos of Chuck so when I saw his new one, I was pleasantly surprised. I was worried that he may have become all fat and doughy looking or lost that awesome looking swastika in the middle of his forehead. But, as it turns out, my worries were unwarranted. Here is Charles in all of his 74 year old glory:

Charles Manson

Didn’t I say he was still looking good? You would think that a lifetime of being back doored would take a lot out of a guy but apparently not. Sure, his beard needs a little trimming but it appears he does a wonderful job of keeping his nose hairs under control. 

If you remember, the Beatles “White Album” was written specifically for Chuck and his followers. “Helter Skelter” was the plan where blacks would rise up against whites, destroy them, and then Charles and his gang would swoop in and control the black people. How is that for an awesome plan? 

Of course, this never happened. When the blacks “rose up”, they rose up against themselves and burned Watts to the ground. Chuck probably should have showed a little more leadership at this point. He should have at least bought them a “map to the stars” so they would have burned down the right buildings. 

He might have also chosen a different song to build his master plan on. For instance, “Back in the U.S.S.R.” would have been pretty cool. He could have bought a real nice house on the outskirts of Moscow and waited for the black Russians (for which the alcoholic drink was named) to overthrow the white Russian devils. Then, he would have had nukes and could have ruled the world.

“I’m So Tired” would have also been an excellent choice. This would have given him a great reason to just sleep on his couch while he sent his underlings out to do all of his dirty work. Hey, wait a minute. That is exactly what he did! That sneaky little bastard…he was actually right. They did write the album for him. Wow, I just cracked the case. I am feeling all CSI – like at the moment. 

Anyway Charles, enjoy your B-day. Maybe you will get a special tea bag with your tossed salad tonight. One can only hope.

Americans Should Not Be Allowed To Vote

March 19, 2009

I have come to the conclusion that the real problem with our country today is that it is filled with short bus graduates…retards, if you will. Almost all of the pain we feel in any category of life is self inflicted. 

Let’s pick an easy example. Everyone hates AIG these days; rightfully so. They are a bunch of money grubbing fools that couldn’t manage their business to save their collective lives. But let’s be clear, they didn’t rob a bank to get the handout or hold some politician at gunpoint. No, they had greased the skids for years in the event that they might need help someday. 

In walks Chris Dodd and a bunch of other idiot politicians saying, “Here AIG, you have been good to me so I will be good to”. Said another way, “you rub my penis, I’ll rub yours”. The thinking was, no one will know and, even if they do, what are they going to do about it? 

So how did Chris Dodd get into position to have the power to pull off such a deal? Simple, he has been a US Senator for 29 years in the great state of Connecticut. What that means is that, for the last 29 years, not one other person in the state was as capable and competent to be senator as Dodd was and is. Can I call bullsh**? This is your lazy, average voter at his and her worst. 

Look all around the country. The government is littered with lifelong appointments. Who made these appointments? The people, of course. So we can cry about the bad politicians and the bad people they do business with but we have no one to blame but ourselves. 

Remember, we are the same bunch that voted Taylor Hicks as the American Idol winner over Katharine McPhee, Elliott Yamin, Chris Daughtry, Kellie Pickler, etc. We are a bunch of idiots. Just name anything that requires voting and you will see how ill informed we are. Major League Baseball All-Stars? Guys that have been injured for most of the year regularly get voted on based on something they did a long time ago. Pitiful. 

But the blame needs to be shared. We can only vote for people that are on the ballet. This is where the real dirty dealing happens. Power grabbing and money mongering forces always stack the deck. You want a vote for “change”? Stack that candidate against a guy older than dirt. How did the old dude get there? He was a war hero (remember, we love the past) plus his main competition was a Mormon. Please, get serious. (Interestingly, if Mitt Romney were a Baptist, we would be calling him President Mitt Romney these days). 

So, what to do about it? I don’t know. I write a blog…how in the hell would I know how to fix such a corrupt system? I am just telling you what you already know but might have been too proud to admit to. We, the people, suck at voting.     


Making A Kid Eat Out Of A Garbage Can IS Illegal

March 18, 2009

Huh…who knew? Personally, I just call it good parenting. When your kid wastes good food, this is an excellent way to make a point. I have used this very technique with my own child (over 10 years ago so the statute of limitations had run its course) and it worked like a charm. 

Specifically, the little monster grabbed a perfectly good Bavarian Crème donut, took exactly one bite from it, and then threw it in the trash. Are you kidding? Outraged, I made the boy fetch it and eat it. My Oz, the thought of wasting a beautiful donut still sickens me to this day. 

So why am I bringing this up now? Because an excellent teacher named Anne O’Donnell, 67, of Fairfield CT, did just this. She saw a 5 year old throw out perfectly good chicken nuggets and a banana and made him pull it out of the trash. She then made him sit there and eat in front of her. This is AWESOME work by a concerned teacher, albeit one that is awful damned old to still be on the payroll. 

Someone complained, probably the candy-a**ed parents who allow such behavior at home, and Anne was arrested. Did you read what my fingers just typed? SHE WAS ARRESTED! This is as stupid as the lady that was arrested for stealing a library book. What in the hell is going on in this world? 

The article goes on to say that the school “addressed the needs of the child”. Really? Cause the only thing this 5 year old needs is a swift kick in the backside. We are such a wasteful society and this caring teacher tried to teach an important lesson and this is what happens. Granted, it happened in Connecticut so that kind of explains a lot of it. Bunch of tree hugging lunatics. 

Anne, if you read this, tell us what you need from us to help. My readers and I generally hate children plus we are sick of how soft our society has become. If you need us to rough up the school board or something, let us know. If you need cash, well, you probably came to the wrong place. We are better at supplying moral support. 

Oh, you probably want to know how my boy turned out. He is now a professional dumpster diver. Sure, it is not a glittery or noble profession but thanks to the wasteful US consumer, he lives in a mansion on Rodeo Drive. I would say this pretty much confirms my notion that I should be named Father of the Century. I will also be writing a parenting book soon titled, “Boy, You Better Get That Fu**ing Donut out Of the Trash”. It will be carried everywhere but Wal-Mart.

My Favorite New Name – Chance Standing Crow

March 18, 2009

Mr. Standing Crow, 27, from Bismark something Dakota, was arrested for “actual physical control” of a vehicle after being found passed out behind the wheel at a fast food restaurant. Chance was also charged with driving under a suspended license. Standing Crows 4 year old daughter was also in the car which could lead to further charges.

Oh, it gets better. Did I mention that this all happened at 10:05 in the morning? I know some people like to get their drink on early but, man, ole Chance really knows how to hammer the bottle. It does not say what restaurant he was driving through but I am going to guess he was looking for some sort of breakfast burrito. It’s the kind of food that fills you up just enough to keep from hurling out the window.

Can I ask a question? What kind of name is Chance Standing Crow, anyway? My guess is that it is either Indian or Swedish. (I just threw the Swedes in so it wouldn’t look like I am profiling). The report does not mention the daughters name but sources say it is Little Screwed One. It is always nice to see children bonding with their parents in the morning. Granted, most do it at the park but behind the wheel of a Pinto (and not the horse) is also kind of cool.

The article does not mention whether Little Screwed One was taken from Chance but it appears she was not. And why should she be? He was charged for actual physical control. That doesn’t even sound like something you should be arrested for. It’s kind of like being pulled over for “real bowel movement”. Sure, it is unsightly and the aroma is offensive but you can hardly take someone to jail for it.

Besides, this all happened in North or South or East Dakota. Only like 7 people live in the whole state. No doubt Chance’s dad owns the fast food place and his uncle is the Chief of Police. Where are they going to put Otis if Andy is out of town with Aunt Bea? (And can we all please agree that Aunt Bee was smoking hot?)

Where was I? Oh yeah, this is just another case of the white man holding the red man down. (How come I have never seen an actual red man? The Irish are more pink than red but that is the closest match I have ever found). Anyway, if Standing Crow had been black, they would have fulfilled his order of chicken nuggets and a giant Sprite and let him leave with no questions asked. Man, this racial crap gets my blood boiling!

Anyway, next time you are in one of the Dakotas, try not to pass out in the fast food line. It is rude and you are wasting valuable gas. Also, if you want to fit in, make sure you are hammered by noon. Now, go in peace Sitting Monkey Ass.

Dora The Explorer Turns Into A Whore

March 17, 2009

This is not my opinion but the opinion of some pi**ed off Dora fans. It seems that Mattel is coming out with a Dora doll that shows her as around ten years old. Instead of her gay haircut and boy clothes, she now has long, flowing hair and shapely legs (although still no boobs, thank Oz). 

What is the problem here? Why would you not want such a homely looking kid to get better looking? Nickelodeon and Mattel are doing her a huge favor. Now she will be a big shot when she goes to high school instead of being the little retarded looking girl with the giant head. Again, improving her looks is a good thing! Here is a photo of the latest Dora incarnation:

Dora for Tweens (I told you she looks better. Woody Allen has already asked for her phone number).

And to be totally honest, I never have understood the Dora phenomenon anyway. What is she exploring and didn’t Waldo already cover that area several years ago? It seems like she is just a cheap rip off. At least Waldo had a cool hat…this chick has nothing. Well, I take that back. She is bi-lingual. Personally, I think it is much too early to expose children to bi-lingual personalities. They should be older before they learn about alternative lifestyles. 

I am not criticizing because I love my gay and lesbian friends. I just think a show aimed at young children emphasizing the “bi” lifestyle is probably not appropriate. If it were my show, I would have made Dora bi-polar. This would introduce children to a much larger section of humanity and prepare them for life in a more realistic way. 

Mattel also took some heat for releasing the adult version of Dora. Here she is: 


Ok, now I can totally see how they have gone the “whore” route. Again, I am not complaining but what did you expect when she was already bi-lingual by the age of 5? Of course she was bound to go down the path of promiscuity and ugly girlfriends. If she would have been introduced to bi-polar people, she might have looked like this: 


You see how much better that would have been? Still sexy as hell but with that “I am going to cut you and feed you to my dog look”. Tell me that isn’t sexy. Who would have thought that Dora would turn out so doable? Oh well, we live and learn.


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