Jessica Simpson Vs. Miss America: The Battle of the Bodies

Without as much as a hint to me, the good folks at the Miss America pageant apparently had their little beauty contest Saturday. Thanks for letting me know it was on some obscure cable station. You might as well be the NHL on Versus. Oh well, I guess as long as that “Saved by the Bell” guy showed up, everything is alright.

The following morning, I saw the swimsuit photo of the winning contestant, Miss Indiana Katie R. Stam. Here it is:

Maybe it’s just me, but except for the boobs, doesn’t this body look a lot like a 15 year old boy? All skin, bone, gristle and some muscle? I know they have buffets in Indiana so there is no food shortage. Whatever happened to curves and the concept of a Rubenesque body? The poor girl looks like she just busted out of a camp in Ethiopia. Even cannibals wouldn’t eat her because they would be afraid to swallow the bones and choke to death. I know, this is “the look” these days but I guess I am just too old to get it.

On the other hand, some recent photos of Jessica Simpson showed up on the Internet. The point of said pictures was to show what a big cow she had become. In essence, they are meant to show that maybe she ate Miss America after she won her crown. Here is the humongous Jessica:

Granted, she is licking her lips like she sees a box of corn dogs in the 4th row but is it really that bad? I know she has been smaller over the years but what is so horrific about these pics? For all we know, Tony Romo has planted his seed and she is on her way up the pound escalator. Or, maybe she has just eaten a few too many Ring Dings lately. Still, by any definition except for Miss Skeletor America, she looks great to me.

You women are way too hard on yourselves. Stop trying to be something that is in no way natural. You are supposed to have a little weight on your bones. It is healthy and normal. Sure, you don’t want to go full on Oprah but I think there is plenty of leeway.

So, in this battle, I am siding with Jessica. She looks much more real to me plus she’s rocking that leopard belt. (Although I believe that if your are slightly “hippy”, you are supposed to draw attention away from the problem area. Just another little fashion tip for my peeps). As for Miss America, add a # 4 with fries from Wendy’s everyday to your diet and you will be smoking hot in no time! 

Slumdog Millionaire: I Just Don’t Get It

I realize this movie is getting a lot of attention from the various awards groups, but I am having a hard time understanding what I just watched.

First, the movie seems to be about Indians. Yet, oddly, not one of the Indians ever wears one of those cool feather headdresses. What kind of Indian doesn’t wear feathers at least once in awhile? And where were all of the casinos? The two go hand in hand these days.

In the beginning of the movie, the kids are playing in some really run down, destitute area. My guess is that it is Philly or East St. Louis. Again, having been to both places, I know Indians don’t live there….they live on a reservation. Just bad homework done by the film makers.

Next, the Indians are speaking some sort of weird language throughout the movie. Now, to be fair, they have word captions on the screen but they move along at a lightening fast pace. You have to be some sort of speed reader just to keep up! What good is a movie where you can’t understand what they are saying? It sounded like Latin which, like everything else in this movie, made no sense at all.

Then, they have some scenes where they are supposed to be on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” Unless Regis Philbin has dense black hair, a pseudo beard and sports a 3 carat diamond earring, the dude looked nothing like Regis! My God, could you not find an old white guy to play the part? Plus he kept pronouncing “millionaire” by saying “millon-air”. How can you host a show, even if it is make believe, when you can’t even say the name of the show?

Then, out of nowhere, one of the characters is sent to Gitmo. WTF? The guy is not a terrorist…why send him there? By the way, they never say it is Gitmo, but you can tell because they hook up battery cables to the guy’s toes. We don’t play that in America. Torturing is for countries where the people have brown skin.

Finally, at the very end of the movie, all of the people at the train station break out into some sort of dance. The movie just morphs into a Michael Jackson video in the blink of an eye. My son looks at me and says, “Pa-paw, what the hell are them injuns doin’ now?” I didn’t know what to say so I winged it and said that they were all gay and couldn’t contain themselves any longer. They just had to burst into dance at some point!

Anyway, what a crazy movie. I don’t understand what the hell it was about but at least I can say I saw it. Next, I think I am going to watch that movie about that guy Benjamin that makes buttons. Another movie that sounds dumb as hell but I like to stay current.

Oh, one more thing that makes absolutely no sense. On the millionaire show, they don’t play for dollars…they play for rubies! The guy is like, “And now you play for 10,000 rubies!” As if! Rubies are way more expensive than dollars so that is just stupid. Just had to get that off of my chest.