The Virgin Mary Is Living In A Woman’s Brain

In case you have been searching for the Blessed Mother lately, you probably have been looking in the wrong place. It turns out that Mother Mary has been hiding out in the brain of Pamela Latrimore for about the last 6 years. Blasphemy you say? Here is the proof:

There you have it…plain as day. So all of this time you thought you saw Mother Mary on potato chips or grilled cheese sandwiches, you have been fooling yourself. She has been nestled quietly in a brain waiting for the day she could break out and be sold on eBay! That’s right, Pamela is not being Grinch-like with her photo and is willing to sell it to the highest bidder.

But let’s be clear. You don’t actually get Mother Mary, she is still living in Pam’s brain for some indeterminate amount of time. You only get a photo of her hanging out there. Still, there are very few good photo’s of the Blessed Mother out there these days so this is quite a bargain. Unfortunately, it is in black and white so you don’t get the same impact as full color… but it is better than nothing.

Pamela also verified that this is the “real” Virgin Mary from her frequent discussions with Jesus. It is unclear if you win the bid whether you get to ask questions of Jesus through Pamela, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to ask. (That would definitely drive up the bidding price of this once in a lifetime object). I can’t personally verify this but there is also a tiny chance that she could get Mother Mary or Jesus to autograph the photo. Again, that is not in the bid information so I am really just speculating.

Pamela is selling this piece of art due to medical problems she is suffering from Agent Orange and Dioxin exposure. While the Mother Mary photo might be amusing, this part of the story is not. As we all know, chemical companies have dumped toxins for years into the environment throughout the United States. There are a variety of studies that prove this beyond any shadow of doubt.

Unfortunately, the EPA seems to have a sort of inbred relationship with these companies and usually fails to impose the type of punishments and restrictions necessary to clean their mess up. It is no doubt better than it was but don’t kid yourself…big money, as always, still rules the world. It is a shame that innocent folks that just happen to live in the wrong place have to bear this burden for years and, sometimes, generations.

So, if you’ve got some money to spare, help Pamela out with her Mother Mary auction. Worst case scenario you end up with a nifty looking MRI of someones brain that kind of looks like a vagina to me. Best case, the Holy Mother pops out of the picture like I Dream of Jeannie and you probably get a new car and a dinner date with the J Man. Who knows, maybe God will stop buy and the four of you can play pinochle all night.

“Butt Bandit” Sentenced To 13 Months In Jail

Are you kidding me? With all of the gang bangers and violent criminals on the streets today, the “butt bandit” gets a year in jail? How much more ridiculous can our judicial system get? First the deal with OJ and now this. Welcome to the new gulag where everyone is a criminal.

If you remember,  Thomas Larvie (aka the Butt Bandit) liked to go around to various buildings and imprint his butt on the windows. (He would also occasionally do his groin as well). To get a good imprint, Tom would use some petroleum jelly or other type of lube so the imprint came out pristine. As I understand it, he always did it in the middle of the night and there were no eyewitnesses. Maybe something slightly more than a prank but certainly not dangerous.

Anyway, the cops finally caught the butt bandit and he was convicted of eight misdemeanor counts of public indecency and one of disturbing the peace. In some bizarre way, these counts ended up earning Thomas a 13 month jail sentence. Wow, good thing he didn’t do 10 more windows or they might have had to execute him. I mean, the horror those windows must have suffered…they will never be the same.

Here is an idea for whomever the judge was in this case. Why not have Tom go around and clean all of the city windows over the next 6 months? I think that would have been a much more appropriate sentence. I just see no scenario where jail time makes this situation any better. Plus, when he presses his butt up against the jail bars, and he most assuredly will, one of the bars could get stuck in his crack. Who is going to pry him off of it?

The other problem I have with this is that if the butt bandit had been a woman, there is no way in hell she would have gone to jail. In fact, all of the old codgers in court would be saying to her, “Hey, come do that to my car!” It would have been a regular laugh riot. Or better yet, what if it was the “Boob Bandit”? She would be an Internet superstar and probably have ended up on Leno and Letterman. What a sexist society we live in…always trying to keep men down.

In the interest of fair play, I would like law enforcement to investigate the following incident:

Obviously, someone purposely imprinted their buttocks onto this chair. How disgusting. Other patrons will have to use this chair and have their buttocks reshaped by the previous buttocks. This is an outrage and cannot be ignored. I hope that all patrons of this establishment were butt printed and ran through the CSI computer. I know we can track down the dumb a** that did this dastardly deed.

What in Buddha’s name is this world coming to?

Good Deal On Christmas Prostitutes!

McKinley Mackey found a great price for a prostitute he solicited. She was willing to work for food. Maybe a PB&J sandwich or some Fruit Loops…who knows. Any way you slice it, that’s a pretty good deal. Unfortunately, McKinley decided to renege on his agreement.

Apparently, the suspected prostitute, Loleta Moon, (now THAT’S a good hooker name!) decided she would also “borrow” some of Mac’s wife’s clothes. (It is unclear where Mrs. Mackey was during this encounter). Mac got mad and refused to pay her in food until she returned the clothes.

Loleta, not someone to be messed with, then pulled a knife on Mac and stole his car and his 1 year old son. The Atlanta police arrested Loleta a few blocks away. The car and child were returned undamaged to McKinley. Atlanta police Lt. James Polite said, “Thankfully, the child and the vehicle were returned unharmed.” Thankfully? Really?

Um…can I ask a question? (Why yes, Tannerleah, please do). When did it become perfectly alright for a married man to get a prostitute (for food, no less), have sex with her in his house, while the kid is there and the wife is not there, NOT pay said hooker and then complain about it because it went wrong? Amazingly, they put the kid right back into this wildly dysfunctional house. Nice job Atlanta PD.

How about the story ends this way. Loleta gets some food but goes to jail for brandishing the knife and stealing the car and baby. Also, Mac goes to jail for solicitation and child endangerment for letting a lunatic hooker into his house. The kid is taken by child welfare while they try to find Mac’s wife and determine if she is as shiftless as her husband.

I just don’t understand why the kid gets screwed in this whole deal. What a life he has to look forward to. Hungry hookers and a worthless dad. The poor kid will likely be in jail or dead by the time he is 21.

As for Loleta, or other prostitutes, let me know where you are and I will send you a burger. I probably won’t even ask you to repay me in your accustomed manner. Probably.

Speaking Of Wristbands…

Can we agree that this ship has sailed? Can everyone now please stop wearing these silly looking things? I understand that kids wear them and I am cool with that. Kids always have something like that going on. But for you adults…let it go.

Nothing looks more ridiculous to me than a grown man in a suit wearing a red (or blue, or green, or yellow, etc) wristband. I don’t care what kind of profound message is on the wristband; it looks silly. If you want to give money to a cause, just give the money.

Which, indirectly, brings me back to the roadside memorials. Why isn’t it enough for a person, or cause, to live in your memory and be influenced by your actions? Wristbands, bumper stickers, etc. all are cut from the same cloth. Look at me and look at what I believe in. I will tell you again for the umpteenth time, NO ONE CARES!!!

Instead of trying to convince me of what a great cause you support through slogans, how about actually doing something? For example, I have a friend who started an organization to help under privileged folks. He doesn’t wear a silicone bracelet or have nifty bumper stickers on his car. Instead, each month he puts together a project to assist these people. Isn’t that better? (Here is his website:
http://www.freewebs.com/playindy/
)

So please, stop with all of the advertising and lazy support of your charities, loved ones, community, whatever. Stop talking and start doing. If you have lost a loved one and it could have been avoided, seek to have changes made so it doesn’t happen again. (Stop sign, reduced speed, increased law enforcement, etc.) That will go a lot further than a cross and bunch of flowers.

And let me say it again. I do understand why you wear a pink ribbon or support our troops. But I would suggest to you that EVERYONE wants cancer cured and our military men and women to be safe. However, very few do much more than slap on a bumper sticker.

And in case you wanted to know, I will continue to do everything I can to get Sarah Palin in the White House in 2012. (Well, however much I can accomplish from my couch). Is it just me or does she get hotter looking everyday? Time for a Kleenex break!!!