I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow and I was thinking about the fact that they are going to shave part of my stomach. I was thinking that it might be an odd look but that I would just let it grow back and not try to shave more to “even it up”. (Oh, if you must know, I am having penis reduction surgery. I am just tired of carrying all of the extra weight. It makes my back hunch over).
Anyway, as I was considering this, the term “manscaping” popped into my head. I think I had heard something about this on TV. This is where perfectly straight men shave their nether regions for some reason. I thought this was only for porn stars to make their ding dings look bigger but apparently other men are doing it as well. Here is a word of advice…Stop It!!! God put hair there to keep your little soldiers warm so that when they go to battle, they are in tip top condition.
If your junk is shaved like one of those ugly, wrinkly dogs or the loose skin on an uncooked chicken, you are going against Mother Nature, Also, did i mention that the practice is completely gay? If you must do something, trim the hedges a bit. This is still effeminate but probably ok. If you shape your hedges into your initials, you have definitely crossed over to the other side.
Besides the ridiculous “manscaping” problem, I was also told yesterday that there are actually adult men that sit down to urinate. Are you kidding me? Again, God gave you a specific tool to use and you are completely abusing it…and not in a good “Sarah Palin” way. For the love of Buddha, stand up when you have to take a whiz. How lazy must you be to have to sit down for a 30 second pit stop.
Also, if you are standing because your wife complains about “missing the toilet”, tell her to get over it!. First, we can’t help if there is back splash. It is just part of the deal. Plus, invariably, us men will usually take a few steps backward as we are relieving ourselves to see how far our “stream” can fly. It is kind of a scientific experiment. The other thing is we seem to have several tubes inside our ding dings. This means that, even though our aim is true, the stream may come out at a right angle. We will auto correct quickly but the wall next to the toilet is probably going to take a small hit.
Lastly, all of you guys getting manicures and pedicures, stop it. How can you even look yourself in the mirror after you have your cuticles pushed back? Have you no self respect at all? We are men and men do manly things. That means we have jacked up fingernails and toenails. It is part of the natural order. And God help you if you are getting clear lacquer put on your nails. You might as well put a rainbow sticker on your car and start learning the lyrics to every Bette Midler song because you have seriously crossed over.
I hope I have been helpful and i hope that men go back to being men. If this is the last blog I write because Jesus smites me for being such a di**head to him, it has been a pleasure. If he chooses to let me live to fight another day, I should be back in a few days. Feel free to fire up a fatty in my honor.