I just love cults. I like big cults, small cults, crazy cults, mainstream cults…basically, if you have a cult, I am digging it. Why do I love cults? Because everyone remotely associated with one gets a free pass for doing the most bizarre things. After all, if you are in a cult, it’s really not your fault.
Patty Hearst, the Manson women, disciples of Jim Jones; the list is fairly endless. Some are punished for their deeds and some basically walk away unscathed. Our latest “victim” is Tammy Lewis, 36, of Necedah, Wisconsin. Tammy was hiding the 90 year old corpse of Magdeline Alvina Middlesworth on her toilet. Apparently, for a couple of months.
Why was Tammy hiding this body? Because her cult leader, Alan Bushey, told her that God was going to revive Magdeline. Now, I realize that this seems like a plausible outcome. Still, as Tammy would find out, keeping dead folks on your toilet, even if they are going to be revived, is kind of against the law. Fortunately for Tammy, because she was under the powerful mind control of Mr. Bushey, she got off with a $350 fine and a deferred sentence. Essentially, if she stops putting dead people on her toilet, she will not be in anymore trouble.
Look, I understand when you are involved in a cult the size of the “Order of the Divine Will”, there is probably a lot of peer pressure to deal with. I mean, with a whopping 6 members, what could she do? Plus, it appears she has two teenage children that she also involved. What were they told? If they prayed hard enough the old woman would come back to life. Obviously, they failed.
Here is the thing. How can all of these people be so crazy? I get that the cult leader is a nut. But Tammy had only met him about 3 years earlier. Does she really not know that putting a dead body on the toilet is probably a bad idea? And what about the kids? Even at 9 or 10, wouldn’t they have known enough to say something to a teacher or classmate?
I am sympathetic to those that are being manipulated by others. However, there has to be at least a tiny amount of accountability in a case like this. Tammy had no problem cashing Magdeline’s Social Security checks and giving them to nut job Alan. So this tells me, at some level, she was functional. Amazingly, her kids who were taken away from her due to her insanity might actually be given back to her. Why? What if the next cult guy she meets likes to eat young adults in a cheese fondue? Does she get to plead “insane in the brain” again? I just don’t get it.
Having said that, I need to start a cult as soon as possible. I promise not to put dead people on toilets or have them drink cyanide kool aid but those are the only promises I can make. We will live in a “compound” somewhere because all good cults have a compound. We will be heavily armed but wear stylish clothes. (I never cared for the “broke as a fool” look). We will be saved when our Messiah, Bigfoot, comes and gets us. He will devour each of us but his excrement will smell like fresh cut flowers and we will levitate into space. (Yes floating poop will seem odd at first but you will get used to it). We will ascend to the heavens where our true master, Megatron, will take us to our new home…Krypton.
I cannot tell you anymore at this time. Just let me know if you want to join. There is plenty of room for everyone! Primarily, our cult is made up of nubile, large breasted young women and extremely wealthy old dudes on the brink of dying. If you fail to meet either of these criteria, I will try to get you in but can make no promises. (Bigfoot is a finicky eater). May peace be with you my brothers and sisters.