Teen Shot / Boy Shocked Over Campaign Signs

Are McCain / Palin signs plated in gold? I only ask because in the last week, 2 young people have been injured while messing around with them. One was electrocuted and the other was shot. Have I not been trying to tell you people to stay off of other folks’ property? You never know what a crazy homeowner will do…even for a McCain / Palin sign.

Incident number one happened in, you guessed it, Ohio! It would seem that the Buckeyes get pretty PO’d when you go near their stuff. Kenneth Rowles, 50, allegedly grabbed his rifle when he saw some hooligans messing with his incredibly valuable “Vote For McCain” sign. The clincher was when hooligan #1 (Patrick Wise, 16) yelled, “This is for Obama!” and kicked ole Ken’s sign right over. As cousin Kyree Flowers, 17, sat in the getaway car, Ken fired off 3 “warning” shots. All 3 bullets hit the car with one of the bullets hitting Flowers in the arm. (I think we can probably all understand his rage over such a heinous act).

It would seem to me that Ken must have learned to shoot at the Dick Cheney School of Precision Shooting. Just imagine what would have happened to the kids if he was really aiming at them! While I don’t normally condone violence, when you steal a mans political sign, how can you expect him not to grab a rifle? Honestly, what in the hell is going on in Ohio these days? Here’s a photo of Ken. I guess he does look kind of remorseful:

Our next story is about Shawn Turschak of Chapel Hill, NC. Shawn was fed up with people swiping his McCain / Palin signs (seeing a trend here?) and decided enough was enough. Being an electrical engineer, Shawn came up with the brilliant idea of running some voltage to his sign. That way, the next idiot that grabbed it would get electrified! Again, perfectly sound judgement and reasonable thinking being displayed here.

Sure enough, a member of the criminal element fell for the ploy. A 9 year old boy carrying an Obama / Biden sign grabbed onto Shawn’s sign. ZAP!!! The experiment worked like a charm and the dangerous punks devious plan was thwarted. His dad, Andrew Noble, was not terribly amused and filed a complaint with the po po. Sheriff Lindy Pendergrass (no relation to Teddy) said he doesn’t plan to file charges.

So what have we learned today? First, stay off of other peoples property! I don’t know how many times I have to say this. Second, McCain / Palin signs are apparently incredibly valuable which is what seems to be driving people to such lengths to protect them. (My advice, grab as many as you can and sell them on E-bay). Third and most important, do not be afraid to use “deadly force” to protect a piece of cardboard. Guns, grenades, ice picks, brass knuckles, loose nukes…whatever it takes. This is America, dammit to hell, and no one, I mean no one, will sully my political sign!!!

On a side note, it is estimated that “trick or treat” traffic at the homes of Mssrs. Rowles and Turschak will be significantly reduced this year.

Good night and God bless.

Sure Fire Way For Old Guys To Pick Up Younger Women!

Archie Anglin had a problem. He was 82 years old, lived alone in Berea, KY and still had an incredible urge to use his “manhood” on a regular basis. Sure, he could have frequented the local old folks home and tried to hit on the elderly women but that’s not what he wanted. You see, Archie is a maverick…well, more of a stallion really. He wanted a younger woman that could keep up with his sexual prowess.

In August, Archie was pulled over as a passenger in 27 year old Gwenivere Szewczyk’s car. She was cited for various vehicular infractions but Archie also got nabbed by the po po. Seems he was carrying Oxycontin, methadone, Xanax and Lortab in a Levitra prescription bottle. Initially, he was just charged with carrying prescription pills in the wrong pill bottle. No big deal.

What the police failed to understand at the time is that Archie had found a solution to his problem. By going to his doctor and complaining of a variety of ailments, he could obtain a colorful array of narcotics. He was then able to swap these narcotics for sexual favors with various young women. All seemed to be right in Archie’s world…at least for awhile.

You see, the only drawback in this plan is that drug addicts also tend to be thieves. So, Archie started to notice small things in his house had gone missing. His TV, for instance. He frequently called the police and each time they would notice different young woman at his hip, bachelor pad. The police figured the women were just using Archie to get some cash or swipe stuff from his house.

Finally, after yet another complaint from Archie, the police put two and two together. Archie was luring these young women to his home for sex. For their service of the senior citizen, he shared his treasure trove of drugs with them. Seems to me it’s a fairly even swap!

So, if you think this story is creepy, just substitute Hugh Hefner’s name with Archies. You see? Now you are probably ok with it because, essentially, Hef is doing the same thing. (Although I suspect Hugh’s women are slightly nicer looking than Archies). Funny how perspective can change your point of view on certain things, isn’t it?

So old dudes out there that are sporting a tent in your pants. Dont’ give up hope! Get your scripts filled, go sit at the local hot spot and line the pill bottles up on the counter. You might also want to act confused because pity can be a strong aphrodisiac. Then, just sit back and watch the moths gather to your flame. Good luck and don’t give all of your Levitra away. You just might need it!

Another community service message brought to you by Tannerleah. You’re welcome.