LinkedIn And Twitter – What Am I Missing?

Honestly, I really don’t understand the value of either of these concepts. I am told they are popular so there must be something to them, I just haven’t figured it out yet.

First, let’s look at LinkedIn. I found out about this because someone e-mailed me wanting me to be “connected” to them. Being the team player that I am, I did. Then I had the option of connecting to other people if I so desired. I guess this is some sort of pyramid scheme that is similar to the “7 degrees of Kevin Bacon”. To me, it feels like people that are either looking for another job or protecting themselves in case they are fired. Make enough “connections” and someone will surely be wowed by your awesomeness.

I have been so impressed by this concept, I am up to two connections. I don’t particularly care if someone who knows someone I know is somehow able to ”see me” through being linked together. I already know way too many people and I don’t really need to have some exponential list of needy people chasing after me. I don’t know anyone with any kind of power so being linked to me is fairly useless. Buh-Bye LinkedIn.

The next e-mail I got was about Twitter. As I understand the concept, this is kind of like text messaging in real time over your computer with the critical question being, “What are you doing?” Honest to God, who is so bored that they need to ask this question? “Gee Bob, currently I am trying to reduce my ear wax and then I intend to shave my back. Thanks for asking”. Honestly, I really don’t get it. I guess you could just e-mail me if you needed to know but Twitter seems to be the A.D.D. version of e-mail.

I think it is really supposed to work like this -

What are you doing?

Nuthin. U?

Nuthin. Day sux.

Tru dat. Almost 5.

Kewl. Twit later.

Fo-Shizzle.

Wow. Now I can see why millions of people would sign up for such a revolutionary service. Just typing this mock conversation has truly changed my day for the better. Somehow, sharing my dull, boring work-life with someone else’s dull and boring work-life would definitely be an awesome event.

I am sorry that I am not much of a partner in either of these endeavours. Of course, if you were one of the people adding me to your list you were obviously very desperate in the first place. I suggest you consider running with a better crowd in the future. Twit you later!

Could You Be Gay For A Day?

I went and saw Bill Maher’s film “Religulous” today. It was an alright movie but one of the early subjects covered was the insistence of religious folks that homosexuality is a choice. All of the people that were interviewed were clear on this point; you are not born gay and they can, with relative ease, pray that gay behavior right out of you.

Fair enough. So let’s pursue this line of thinking and make it more personal. If you think homosexuality is a choice, I want you to try this test. You don’t have to move an inch to make it happen. I want you to think about the thing you want most in this world. It can be anything you want. Got it? Ok. To claim this item (money, fame, true love, whatever) all you have to do is be gay for a day.

Sounds pretty easy, right? But here is the caveat. You not only have to “be gay” but you must also perform a gay sex act and enjoy it. By enjoying it, I mean you have crossed over from merely gritting your teeth to get through a challenge but have gone full blown gay. I would suggest that, if in your fantasy you are enjoying it, you are already gay whether you have accepted it or not.

I don’t know much about human behavior but I do know that a straight man, even in his drunkest drunk, will not engage in gay sex unless a woman is somehow involved. He will not toss someone’s salad, be the catcher in a game of pitch and catch, or enjoy getting tea bagged. Even in prison, he will perform gay sex acts but not truly enjoy it unless he is gay. That’s just the way it is. 

So, while I am still confidant we can pray the gay behavior out of Clay, it is not because he has decided suddenly to be gay. That was never a choice on Clay’s part but it is just the way he is hard wired. It’s the same way I am hard wired to enjoy women that have large hands and a big Adams Apple. Who knows why? It is what it is.

If you are having trouble imagining a male partner try this guy:

If Pastor Ted Haggard can’t get you chopping wood, then you sir, are not truly gay. (By the way, Ted has had the gayness prayed right out of him, or so I am told. Good thing he just chose to betray Jesus Christ. Smart move, Ted).