Name That Religion!

I had a nice conversation with a young man today that went something like this:

Him: Who do you like in the presidential election?

Me: I don’t know. What about you?

Him: Well, I know I won’t vote for no damned Muslim!

Me: Who do you mean? McCain or Obama?

Him: (incredulously) Barack Hussein  Obama. Don’t you know a Muslim name when you hear one?

Me: Oh. That’s clever how you figured that out. What am I?

Him: What do you mean “what are you?”

Me: What religion am I? Guess by using my name.

Him: I don’t know. You could be anything.

Always good to see our young folks fully engaged in the political process.

“Attempted” Murder

I have a hard time understanding this concept. Everyone that has ever tried to kill someone has “attempted” murder. Some of these people were just more successful than the others. Possibly they were just more competent in the job they were doing.

For instance, when Amy Fisher shot Mary Jo Buttafuoco point blank in the face, she was “attempting” to murder her. Through sheer happenstance, her effort failed. Because of this, she was charged with first degree assault and sentenced to 7 years in jail. What part did I miss? SHE SHOT HER IN THE FACE. How much harder could she have tried to kill her?

To me there is no difference between murder and “attempted” murder. The fact that the assailant is incompetent or the victim lived due to some ethereal reason should have no bearing on the punishment. When you stab someone 20 times or shoot them in the face, I think it is fair to say you are trying your damnedest to end their life. Whether you are successful or not is immaterial.

In fact, now that I think of it, all “attempted” crimes should be treated the same way. Homicide, kidnapping, burglary, skyjacking…whatever. If you try any of this but are too stupid to pull it off, you go to jail for just as long as if you had succeeded.

Next on to do list: Build more jails.

Bumper Stickers

Here is the inherent problem with bumper stickers. You are assuming that someone / anyone cares about your life or opinion. We don’t. We don’t care about your political beliefs. We don’t care what team you like or who your favorite NASCAR driver is. We don’t care that you “brake for animals” or are trying to save the Earth.

For those that have loved ones in the armed forces or have a noble cause they are trying to promote, we don’t really care but we understand your zeal and find it acceptable. We hope that you are doing more to support your cause than just slapping a bumper sticker on your SUV and calling it a day.

We really don’t get all of the religious stuff…especially the fish thing. What are you saying to us? Jesus was a fish? I thought Christianity was against evolution? And where are all of the Jewish bumper stickers? Something like, “I bought this car for waaay under sticker price”. I think there should be equal representation.

Lastly, the fact that little Tommy is the smartest 4th grader in his class is particularly uninteresting. I don’t know Tommy, I don’t want to know Tommy and I very likely don’t want to know Tommy’s parents if this is the kind of stuff they are bragging about. 

Now if Tommy had just won a Nobel Peace Prize, an Academy Award or cured cancer, I would LOVE to see that sticker. That would be something to crow about. Grade school or band camp? Not so much.  

Here is my commitment to you. If I am sitting at a stop light and pondering deeply whether you (in the car next to me) are a Jimmy Johnson fan, I will simply roll down my window and ask. No bumper sticker needed. I just saved you 2 bucks. You are welcome.

My New Hero

This handsome young man, Keith Walendowski, was arrested Saturday for murdering his lawn mower. That’s right, he took his shot gun and killed his young, innocent LawnBoy mower.

While I agree this act of vigilantism is appalling, does a man not have the right to take justice into his own hands if his appliance becomes belligerent or unresponsive? Sure, murdering your neighbors lawn mower would be completely inappropriate. (Or fondling the borrowed shears from your brother). But what if you own the inanimate object?

I for one support Keith in what he did. In fact, to be perfectly honest with you, I have also roughed up my lawn mower on occasion. Sure, I didn’t shoot it but I have kicked and slapped it a few times.

What happened to our right to freedom of speech and freedom of expression? When did the government get to decide what appliances I can shoot or not shoot? Stop the oppression! Please write your local selectman and let him/her know that we will not continue to be held down by “The Man”.

Here’s to you Keith Walendowski; Renaissance man and action taker. This Buds for you!

 

P.S. Here is my old hero, “Duct Tape Man”. He used this ingenious disguise to foil the police. The Joker has nothing on this guy!

So You Think You Can Dance

My wife and daughter love this show and seem to have it on quite frequently. (Thanks Tivo for allowing them to play it over and over). I have no beef with the show in general…it is no better or worse than all of the other “talent” shows. If they think they can dance, God bless ‘em.

My problem is with the cackling hen judge that sits in the middle of the judging panel. As near as I can tell, when she thinks someone does well, she tilts her head back and emits this horrendous noise that I think is supposed to be a cheer or laugh.

All I know is that wherever I am in the house, this noise reaches me and acts as some sort of nerve agent. Blood starts to flow from my ears and I fall to the ground writhing in pain. Amazingly, when I crawl to the offending television set, my wife and daughter seem perfectly fine. As if somehow they are immune from this dangerous aural radiation.

Maybe women have a way of blocking it out. Kind of the opposite of the way dogs can hear certain frequencies humans can’t. All I know is that I can count on this horrible pain at least a couple of times a week. Someone must stop this woman. 

Ladies, PLEASE do men a favor and either hit the mute button when the she-demon starts moving her giant lips or at least yell, “IN-COMING!!!”

The World May Be Your Oyster,

but it is not your ashtray. That’s right, I am writing this for all of you chain smokers out there that flick your butts around as if you were the Sole Proprietor of the planet Earth. The rest of us don’t need your herpes, mono, tuberculosis(or whatever disease you have) laced cigarette butts contaminating our environment.

I hear what you are saying, “But they are so small…it is not bothering anyone”. Bull puckey! Look out your smoke frosted window the next time you come to a stop light. It looks like snow is building up at every intersection from your nasty butts piling up. God only knows what kind of toxic chemical mess is being created from all of those diseases and DNA mixing up. Did you know that this is the way that exotic diseases such as monkey pox get started? It’s true, I read it on the Internet.

I am going to let all of my smoker friends in on a little known secret. Inside of your car there is a small receptacle that is designed specifically for your spent butts. Shocking, isn’t it?

What’s that? You know that the ashtray is there but you just don’t want to get your car dirty? Newsflash, sunshine. First, you smell like a walking chimney so the lack of ashes does not equal a Fabreze fresh scent. Second, the fact that you do not want it in your car does not give you the right to foul everyone else’s environment. I don’t like trash in my house so is it ok if I dump it in your living room so I can keep my house looking good? Didn’t think so.

Still not convinced? Let me take a different approach. Why don’t you smoke filterless Pall Mall’s or Camel’s. That way, you can get every last bit of that sweet tasting nicotine without having to mess with the useless filter. (It’s only cutting down on your enjoyment). Next, smoke in bed as often as you possibly can. This is very relaxing and good for your posture. Finally, and I probably shouldn’t tell you this secret, but insert a potato in your muffler and start your car with the garage door down. My smoking friends say that this is the ultimate in enjoying a smoke (short of a 5 alarm fire). 

Whatever route you choose, just stop flicking the butts…do it for the children.

Corn Hole?

A co-worker was telling me about a party she had over the weekend. She explained that they played “corn hole”.

For those of you that live anywhere other than Indiana (and possibly a few neighboring states), you are probably wondering a) why would anyone admit to this in public and b) isn’t it illegal in many states?

Not to worry. Corn hole is what the rest of the world would refer to as “bean bag toss”. A very innocuous game played by kids and adults everywhere. Unfortunately, in at least Indiana, they prefer to use a more provocative name.

So, if you are speaking to one of your Hoosier friends and they mention that they were “corn holing” over the weekend, no need to blush, start making disgusting jokes or call the police. Everything is fine. But you may want to encourage them to use another name to describe the game. Corn hole indeed.

Who Gets To Choose?

My wife and I agree on most things but there is one subject that she annoys me with. It is the question of what to do with the body when one of us dies.

My feeling is that once you die, you get no say in the matter. After all, you are dead. What are you going to do about it? Besides, the ceremonial disposal of the body has much more to do with those that are left grieving after your passing. The living are the ones left to cope and whatever helps them get through it in the least amount of pain is the way they should go. If a parade would make them feel better, then have a parade. Freeze the head like Walt Disney? Knock yourself out.

My wife, on the other hand, feels that the person that dies gets to make the choice. She refers to it as “honoring their wishes”. So, if the recently departed said that they want to be cremated, then that’s what should happen. Regardless of the beliefs and desires of those left behind. Obviously, and I think all of you would agree, this is incredibly selfish and reflects with crystal clarity the current “me” generation.

Those of you that know me realize that I am known mostly for 2 things. First, being a “people person” and second, being a “giver”. It’s just who I am and I can’t help myself. I hope in spite of my selflessness, I can convince my wife that the needs of the present outweigh the needs of the past (passed).

So, while I hope that all of us live a long, healthy and prosperous life, please do not make demands on those that you will someday leave behind. Give them the freedom to do what they think is right and let them know you support that position. It’s the right thing to do.

One last note, when I die under no circumstances am I to be burned beyond all recognition (euphemistically called “cremation”). That is against God and you will burn in hell if you do it. Amen.

Public Service Announcement

You have no doubt seen the relentless ads for NutriSystem. For those of us that are slightly more than petite, it is an enticing message. Eat real food and lose weight! Of course, we all know that this is a preposterous theory but we have hope. (The key with NutriSystem and most plans is merely portion control).

In any case, earlier this year I tried it for a few months and lost about 25 pounds. So, if you are loyal to the program, you will definitely lose weight. As for taste, my taste buds are not exactly an elite group so I can’t tell you anything other than I thought it was ok.

The issue for me is real food. I don’t know what their stuff is made of but it is not real in any sense of the word. I suspect it is equal bits of plastic, cardboard, titanium, food coloring and some mysterious gas inducing agent. Again, it doesn’t taste bad but there are side effects.

The most dire side effect is the gas that you will incur after eating a “blueberry” muffin. (Nothing remotely close to a blueberry in it). I made the mistake of eating two one morning and it resulted in the small earthquake located in Southern Illinois. I was too embarrassed to say anything but now you know the truth.

A colleague has suggested a class action suit as she was lifted several feet in the air after passing gas and twisted her ankle upon re-entry. This can be dangerous stuff so consider yourself warned. Yes, NutriSystem works but you will have an entirely new appreciation for balloons after your adventure.

Let Me Help My Fellow Driver’s…Again

I know, I know. Driving in residential neighborhoods can be so confusing. First there are those ridiculously slow speed limits. If you actually drove 25 MPH, you would probably stall the engine and cause serious damage to your motor. Plus, how humiliating is it to have Billy on his bicycle going faster than you in your gas guzzling SUV? It’s just not fair. If people don’t understand you have a God given right to go 40+MPH, screw ‘em.

Obviously, the second huge problem is the fact that the cheap city or county decided NOT to paint lines down the middle of the neighborhood street. How in the hell are you supposed to know where to go! Most of you have figured out that the correct way to handle this confusion is to drive straight down the middle of the road. It’s kind of exhilarating, isn’t it? Just me and my road and I get to do whatever I please. What’s that? Another car coming from the other direction? Too bad, this is my street! He can just drive on the curb to get around me.

Believe me suburban drivers, I feel your pain. So please continue to wail down the road smack dab in the middle of it until your heart is content. If there are casualties, so be it. Your needs are obviously much more important than anyone else’s. I salute you!

(With my middle finger so slow your ass down and get over on the right side of the road!)