Young Women Are Hotter Than Old Women

Can we finally agree on this? I don’t know why women struggle with this basic law of nature. No matter what you do, with rare exceptions, you are not going to be as attractive today as you were 20 years ago. Period.

Does that mean that older women can’t be hot? Of course not. Where do you think MILF’s come from? If you know me, you know I would still bang Helen Mirren. That’s not the point I’m trying to make. I am simply saying that the older version of you usually will lose a beauty contest with the younger version of you.

Here’s an example. Most people would say that Jane Fonda looks amazing these days. And she does. However, she is a dog compared to her younger self. Here’s my proof.

See what I am saying? Sure, Jane looks great today but she looked amazing back in the day.

So why bring this up now? Demi Moore. She looks horrible, ends up in the hospital, and is the epitome of someone looking to hold onto to something from the past. Maybe its vanity but more likely it’s her way of dealing with her problems; current and past. She gets the boob implants to make the stripper movie. She marries a young guy to stay relevant. She tries to stay stick thin to keep up with all of the young stick figures out there. I am sure she feels her reasons are compelling and rational. They’re not.

Media and peer pressure seem to be the primary reasons that women put themselves through this. They see the beautiful 40 something year old actress and feel like they should also look that way. They feel betrayed by their formerly hot body. Why hath thou forsaken me? Because that’s how nature works. Ageing is normal and to be expected. You can pull your skin so tight that your vagina is where your lips used to be but that doesn’t mean it looks good. Case in point, the 33 year old Nikki Cox.

In what universe does the young woman on the right look good to anyone? The sad part is I’m sure her “handlers” tell her she looks amazing. The doctor that did this to her should be kicked out of the career field. I realize it was her decision but doctors have to have the good sense to just say no.

Well TL, you misogynist prick, you must think anyone over 35 is not hot. That only young women should be on TV and in movies and older women should just go off into the sunset and die. Not at all. My wife of 25 years is beautiful. When she doubts that, I tell her to go to Wal-Mart and compare herself to other women her age. If that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.

Our scars, real and imagined, are very much who we are. As we age, we will undoubtably collect more. But we also collect knowledge, wisdom, compassion, understanding, and are intellectually superior to who we used to be. What’s wrong with that? Sure, women of all ages still throw themselves at me but I am the exception to the rule. Not everyone can look like me…or have my cash…or giant penis…

Ladies, stop beating yourself and each other up. You are all beautiful to someone. However, you need to see that in yourself first. Christ, even Oprah and Rosie have partners. How much worse looking can you be than those two? (I think I may have just undercut my own point). If you need to know if you are still beautiful ask me. The answer is yes. Hugs and kisses, TL

Occupy Wall Street Or Twilight: Breaking Dawn?

Since I am boycotting Black Friday because it has now been moved to Thursday, I have some extra time to stand around somewhere. The two obvious choices are to Occupy Wall Street (OWS) or stand in line for the premier of the new Twilight movie.

I think an occupation sounds much longer than standing in line but I am told the lines to these Twilight movies are ridiculous. From a “save the world” point of view, OWS just barely beats out killer vampires and all of the other Satanic stuff that comes with Twilight. Are blood sucking corporations any less dangerous than the Twilight devil people? I think not. But, I don’t literally have to go to Wall Street to protest. I can just make a small sign and wave it from my couch. It is the thought that counts people.

However, standing in line with a bunch of Satan worshippers sounds like a lot of fun too. I hear that one of the characters is named Bela after Bela Lugosi. I love those old movies! Plus there is a werewolf and a guy with a scar in the shape of a lightening bolt on his head. Frankenstein? Could be. Just sounds like a lot of fun to me. I hope the fact that I haven’t seen any of the first six movies doesn’t matter. Maybe my new friends in line will fill me in on the details.

Still, the OWS group is older and more likely to be high. They seem to be a lot like Juggalos and lord knows I love those crazy people. They will show you their boobs for $1 or less! Where else can you get that except at a strip club or under the overpass on MLK Blvd? (See photo below for proof). Plus, there is always the threat of police brutality which makes for awesome YouTube videos.

What guy doesn’t love a girl with big boobs that can’t spell? To be fair, I bet if I look for hot Twilight women, there will be plenty of them as well.

Wait…wha…??? I didn’t know Twilight had gone all Brokeback Mountain. When the hell did this happen? Not that I am against this sort of thing but I doubt Bela Lugosi would approve. (Although the guy on the right does have some sexy sideburns). FYI, if they are going to go in this direction, they should at least be sharing some tongue.

Well, it’s settled. I am not going to attend either event. The truth is, the battery in my Rascal Scooter would not last long enough to get me where I am going. Plus, I am sure someone would have something snarky to say about me going commando. You kids have fun.

Why Do Churches Kick Their Own People Out?

As many of you know, I am not a big fan of religion. The whole, “My God is better than your God” mantra is beyond silly. Every group seems to be the “chosen people”. If there is a God, I just don’t see why he would establish a bunch of teams to compete against each other. Seems counter productive to me.

Anyway, a family member recently told me a story about a young woman who belonged to her church. She told me the story because she felt what happened was wrong but also felt powerless to confront the church’s hierarchy. (And really, who wants to go to a church where you are actually allowed to dissent?)

In a nutshell, the young woman had no job and was on welfare. At some point, she stopped tithing 10% of her welfare check to the church. First of all, are you even supposed to tithe welfare money? It’s not like you worked for it. It feels like you are involving God in some kind of money laundering scheme. In the eyes of the church, she absolutely was still required to give the 10%. In fact, they told her if she did not, she would be excommunicated from the church. She said she simply couldn’t afford it and they kicked her out. She is now, I suppose, just a regular old heathen like me.

I must admit that I was surprised to hear this story. I thought Jesus loved poor people, hookers, and sick leopards. I can’t imagine a scenario where Jesus would kick one of his followers out for not ponying up some cash. Just doesn’t seem like a very Christian thing to do, does it? But, since this was just a one-off story, I didn’t think too much more about it.

Then I came across this letter on-line:

This person got kicked out of church for poor attendance! Again, I didn’t even know such a thing was possible. The best part, however, is not only is this person being thrown out, they are being sent directly to Satan! I don’t know all of the rules of religion but this seems like a slightly harsh sentence, no? If this is truly a rule, Hell must be overrun with people. Who has perfect attendance at church except your Auntie and Grandma?

I also enjoyed the caveat at the end of the letter. If you choose to give up your whoring life, contact us and we will call Jesus to get things straightened out. Jesus, Pastor Shady, your just a bit of a control freak, aren’t you? I am pretty sure that there is more than one way to find God than through the Cornerstone Church.

Church people of the world, please stop turning on your own peeps. When they are down, that’s when they need you most. Not to lecture them or give them to Satan but to help them through whatever troubles they are enduring. If Jesus was willing to help the poor, the hookers, and the sick leopards, I am sure you can see your way to forgiving a late payer or someone with poor attendance. At least give it a shot. Amen.

Judge William Adams: Douchebag Of The Year

Came across this video in the Interweb and it just makes me sick to my stomach. It has already gone viral and I hope it opens the eyes of people everywhere. This crap is going on everyday.

As I understand it, the daughter has held onto this video for 7 years and just a few days ago, after a phone argument with her father, released it on-line. The video speaks for itself.

Personally, spanking a child is, in my mind, a parents choice. However, this was nothing less than a brutal beating. Judge Adams loses all control and intends to inflict as much physical and emotional pain as possible. From my point of view, this is clearly a criminal assault. Since he is a judge and it has been 7 years, I doubt there will be any criminal charges brought against him. However, I certainly hope that his days as a family court judge (oh, the irony), will come to an immediate end.

That’s the end of my “nice” reporting. The truth is if I ever had a chance to get my hands on that co**smoker, I would beat him to within an inch of his life. He is a disgrace to every group he is associated with. Man, husband, father, judge…you name it. To beat someone because you are physically able to is the worst kind of cowardice. I don’t doubt for a moment that his wife was, at the least, mentally abused. Apparently, since this video was taken, she has left him for that very reason.

It distresses me that this happens all of the time and most of us are oblivious to it. When something like this does come to the public forefront, two things should happen. First, the perpetrator should face the full wrath of the legal system and court of public opinion. Beyond that, I hope it empowers other children to come out and seek help from their abusers. Should people who spank their children be treated as criminals? I don’t think so. But if anyone in their right mind thinks that this video reflects anything close to good parenting, they should have their tubes tied or nuts cut.

Sorry for the depressing post but I am just disgusted.

PS: I just realized that in my angered state I called the judge a “co**smoker”. This, of course, is completely inappropriate as it could be construed that I am equating the judge to a man or woman that provides oral sex. I would never insult oral givers in such a horrible way. So, I will let Chevy Chase try to express my feelings.

Just Wait Until I Am President!!!

I watched the Republican debate last night because I wanted to check out that hotty, Mitt Romney. (I kid…you know I mean Michele Bachmann. At least until Sarah shows up). Anyway, I kept hearing over and over what the various candidates will do on the first day they become POTUS. Not the 3rd day or second week, the first day! I thought that was pretty awesome.

But then I started to think that the “first day” was something like a year and 4 months from now. What the hell? That sure seems like a long time to wait to get things done. I mean, don’t most of these people already have government jobs? In fact, haven’t most of them been in the government for a long, long time? If so, why do I have to wait another year for things to get fixed? Can’t they fix it now?

Don’t these people have any clout now? Couldn’t Newt persuade his buds in Congress to get cracking on the fixes now? I know Ron Paul is considered a lunatic and has no pull but Mitt and Rick do. Do you really think that any congressman is going to want to get on the wrong side of the future potential POTUS? I just don’t understand why we are perpetually told that something good will get done at some point in the future.

And, by the way, this is no way a hall pass for Barry “whatever you want to do” Obama. Believe me, I like having a smart, eloquent person leading this country. But I also like someone with a set of balls. (like Hillary). If you believe in your plan, ram it down the throat of the other guy. You can hate Bush/Cheney, and I do, but they did whatever the hell they wanted to do. Barry just doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Why can’t Bobby Knight run for president? If you sassed Bob, he would throw a chair at you. That’s my kind of leader.

I guess none of this will matter once Sarah throws her beautiful, freshly cut flowers smelling, hat into the ring. She’s a momma bear, maverick, and a true leader. If the Congress gets lippy with her, she will just quit. Sarah takes no crap from anyone. She is the Chuck Norris of female politicians. (But with the looks of Hasselhoff ). I can’t wait see what she wears when she is sworn in. In the meantime, I guess Michele will have to do but it’s just not the same.   

Oh Michele…with talent like that, how did you end up with so many kids?

West Memphis Three – What A Cluster F**k

If you are familiar with this case, then you know that the men convicted of killing three young boys in 1993 were released from prison today. For most people involved, it is either Casey Anthony Part 2 or, finally, justice for three young men that were wrongly convicted.

I think two things really set this crime apart. First, the heinous and brutal way the three children were murdered. (Wiki the West Memphis 3 for an overview of the case). Second, a very well made documentary about the murders, Paradise Lost, brought attention to the case that otherwise may have never been heard of outside of Arkansas. (There was also a follow-up documentary as well).

As with most crimes that end up being sensationalized, people quickly chose sides. Many trusted the local police department to do their job effectively and when they said that Echols, Baldwin, and Misskelley did it, that was enough. Also, the prosecution playing up the fact that these young men listened to heavy metal and were clearly Satan worshippers, well, in small town America…case closed. (Echols erratic behavior in court and occasional goth style only fueled those fires).

On the other hand, particularly after the Paradise Lost documentary was shown, another group of people decided that these three were simply being railroaded because they were easy prey. The local police wanted this horrible crime solved and closed as soon as possible and chose some young misfits to pin it on. The evidence was circumstantial, at best, and certainly there was room for doubt. Many identified with the young men, including several celebrities, and brought additional attention to the case.

That is my relatively non-biased introduction to the case. I have read about the case and watched the documentaries and here is my opinion. Like everyone else except the three accused or the actual killer(s), I haven’t a clue as to who did it. I thought the first documentary was fairly balanced and asked some important questions. The follow-up was very biased towards the defendants and that was disappointing to me. So, for either side to say definitively that they know the truth is flat out bullshit. Why people insist on choosing sides as if this were a sporting event (ala Casey Anthony, OJ, Robert Blake, etc) is very odd to me. Having an opinion is one thing; saying with certainty you factually know what happened must just be an ego thing.    

What I do know is that for the prosecutor to basically throw in the towel 18 years later is disgusting. All along, the case should have been re-tried. If the West Memphis 3 were innocent, so be it. Release them and continue the investigation. Three children were brutally murdered and their murderer(s) need to be brought to justice. People that harm children need to know that they will never be free from pursuit. Why the Arkansas State Police and FBI were not brought in in the first place is a complete mystery to me. Maybe children in Arkansas are considered disposable…especially poor ones from West Memphis.

Now, with all sides firmly entrenched and entirely too many people looking to make a buck off of this story, the truth may well never be known. Also, I suspect every convict that has spent 15 or more years in jail is now asking his or her attorney to ask for a plea deal. This case just reeks of incompetence and stupidity from top to bottom. No one should be happy with how this has turned out. If the West Memphis 3 are truly innocent, their lives were basically ruined. If they are indeed guilty, they can laugh all the way to the bank. In the end, three little boys died a horrible death and nothing will change that. Why justice for them is not worth fighting for is yet another complete mystery to me.

For Christopher Byers, Michael Moore, and Stevie Branch, I am sorry that the people in life (and death) who should have protected you, did not.

Planned Obsolescence

Yes, I am still alive. Just took a mini vacation in my brain. It’s pretty in there.

Anyway, I recently watched a documentary called Pyramids of Waste (2010), AKA The Lightbulb Conspiracy. I will link the video below (it’s under an hour long).

I don’t know whether to be pissed off or resigned by the movies message. In short, many / most consumer goods are built with a specific lifespan that is determined by the manufacturer. For instance, when mass production of lightbulbs first began, the average bulb lasted 2500 hours. However, a coalition of these manufacturers came together and decided to lower the life to just 1000 hours. They could, at worse, have the same production costs per unit but greatly increase the consumer’s purchases. Pretty nifty…for them.

There are other examples in the movie but this is a good place to start. Basically, the global consumer is being sold inferior products so that they will have no choice but to purchase those items over and over again. For most items, you don’t even have a choice to purchase a superior, albeit more expensive item. So, in the end, leadership at major corporations actually have their engineers make their products worse so they can sell more. I realize this is nothing new but when you think about it, the prolific numbers of merchandise that fall into this category is staggering. Greed, greed, and more fu**ing greed.

(To be fair, some items that are not disposable should be. Dildo’s, for instance. They should be one and done. You know the way spaghetti stains your Tupperware even though you wash it over and over? It’s just like a dildo. You can clean it however many times you want but that tuna smell is not going away…ever).

However, the counter argument is reasonable. If people bought items that lasted, say 20 years, wouldn’t manufacturing go straight into the toilet? Even if you sold those items at a premium, you would have a hard time holding down manufacturing costs and profits would certainly suffer. And, after all, what business is NOT in it for the money? Our love fest with consumption has driven the world economy for a long, long time. Fortunately, we are suckers for good marketing so this addiction is as strong as ever. If you build it, iPad 77, they will buy it. We are the very dickheads who bought “pet rocks” and “mood rings” by the millions. And if I see another one of those rubber wrist bands I am going to shit my pants and then throw it at the offender. We have a disease and big business has the cure.

What to do? Which side is right? I guess as long as we keep buying crap that we don’t need, someone will sell it to us. And if we keep throwing away perfectly goods items to get the newer, better version, we have no one to blame but ourselves. Still, this world isn’t going to get any bigger and this unbelievable rate of consumption is going to continue to take its toll on the environment. Don’t buy anything and we go straight into a depression. Or, keep buying inferior things and accept that you are going to get fu**ed, and fu**ed hard by The Man.

Personally, I am going to stay naked and live in a cardboard box by the freeway. Fu** you, you capitalist thugs. Yeah, I said it. Take your new whatever and shove it up your ass. I ain’t buying. (Except I am totally going to get one of those 4G phone thingies. They sound amazing). TL

Bloodsucking Big Business Douche Monkeys

Are All Women Gay?

I only ask because women seem to be doing gay things to each other all of the time. For instance, women often get a massage from another woman. I have never had a massage but I am pretty sure I would not want a guy drizzling oil all over my naked body and then rubbing all my nooks and crannies with his man hands.

Women also go to get “waxed” by other women. This fetish seemed to have started back in the day when some porn actress decided to do more than just trim her hedges. I have never understood why regular women look to porn stars for their personal hygiene but that’s not the part that concerns me. It’s the dripping wax or whatever on your hoo-hoo and then letting a stranger rip it off. What’s the male version of this? “Hey Bob, I need some hair off my ass and need my manscaping high and tight. Oh, and don’t be afraid to rub a little oil on my ball sac after you shave it.”

The oddest thing women do is have sex toy parties with each other. I don’t know what actually goes on at these parties but I see no reasonable way that they can be anything other than big gay orgies. Which is fine…just not something the guys would do. “Hey Ted. Take a look at this 9 inch dildo. Sure it my seem a little large for the backdoor but it has good action, comes with a 9 volt battery, and it guaranteed for life. Oh, and made in America. Here, let me slide this bad boy in you so you can test drive it”. Really? How do you women even look at each other after one of those parties?

Lastly, there seems to be some sort of fascination women have with showing off their “new” breasts. They can’t seem to wait to pop their new puppies out to all of their friends to show them how “real” they look. Um…sure they do. Then, only naturally, the other women have to respond with, “Can I touch them?” Why in the hell do you want to touch them? (“Rex, I just had a vasectomy. You wanna touch where they sliced me open?”) Then touching turns to slapping them from side to side to see what kind of aerodynamics they have. It is nothing less than bizarre.

For whatever reason, all women must be at least 40% gay. They will never admit to it but really ladies, look at the crap you do on a regular basis. Now imagine your man doing the same thing. See? You might as well slap a rainbow sticker on your car, blast the Indigo Girls, and roll up the sleeves on your flannel shirt. At least prison probably wouldn’t be too hard on you.

Oh, help me Jesus. This means even June Cleaver was a part time lesbo.

May 21st – Are You Ready?

As you all know, this Saturday will be the day of the Rapture. You know, when a bunch of people will be taken up to heaven and the rest of us will spend the next 5 months living in hell on earth. If you read the “Left Behind” series, you already have a pretty good image of what it will look like. In short, the “good” people will just evaporate leaving all of their earthly goods behind.

The man who foretold of this date is named Harold Camping. Harold is a Christian radio evangelist and came up with a math equation that figured out the exact date (suck on that Mayans!) Originally, Harold thought the date was 9/6/94 but he admitted that he made a calculation error. To be fair, math is really hard…particularly for our home schooled brothers and sisters.

The sad truth is, except for possibly Art, the vast majority of those who read this blog are not going to get called up on Saturday. Don’t feel bad. Harold estimates that only 200 million will get called on so that means that most people will still be here. For instance, countries that are primarily Jewish, Hindu, and Muslim will basically go untouched. I suspect most of the 200 million will come from the southern US and maybe a couple of people in Europe. Thanks to Scientology and the Mormons, Utah and California will also go unscathed.

So, what should you do? My plan is to take as much as I can from the folks that disappear. For instance, my neighbor is super religious so that whole family will be gone. I think Camping estimated the recall time to be about 6PM. I promise you; by 6:30, my neighbor’s house will be empty. I will also go quickly to churches. True, there is not much to take but they have some nice statues and stained glass. Plus, I can get an organ and some wafers and grape juice. And before you judge me, remember that I have been left behind for a reason so God pretty much expects this kind of behavior.

Because almost all wealthy people are heathens, you will have to aim kind of low to find free stuff. Don’t forget, going to a synagogue or any non-Christian worship center will also be a complete waste of time. If anything, all of those people are going to be extra pissed off because their faith will have turned out to be a complete sham. That’s probably going to sting a little so best to leave them alone for a while.

After you have collected your free stuff, sit back and enjoy the hilarity that will surely ensue once we see who has been left behind. The Pope? Left behind. Pat Robertson, Jack Van Impe, Benny Hinn, Jimmy Swaggart, and James Dobson? All left behind. In fact, my sources tell me that Jerry Falwell will be returned to earth by Satan because he just can’t stand to be around the guy anymore. It will be a laugh riot watching these idiots explain how they missed the recall.

In any case, I will keep the blog going until the world is blown up. I don’t have anything better to do anyway. Good luck and see you on the 22nd. TL

Worst Job Ever? Insurance Agent

How do I know this? Because these peckerwoods call me almost everyday asking if I want to sell insurance. No one else calls, mind you…just every insurance company known to mankind. At least with my e-mail I can send them straight to the spam bucket.

I know you are thinking, “Gee TL, just don’t answer the phone”. Well that sounds like a good plan but what if Salma or Sarah Palin are trying to call me? I don’t know the area codes for LA and Alaska. Besides, people sell me all kinds of cool things through telemarketing. I’m not going to give that up to avoid the insurance scammers.

What I don’t understand is why my resume appeals to them. I have no discernible talent or expertise in anything. Is this what qualifies me? Are they looking for a blank slate to turn into a mind controlled insurance zombie? Are they just calling every single resume that gets posted online somewhere? If so, how freakin’ awful of a job is it when you have to ask every living, breathing person to take the job. Hell, Burger King or Wal-Mart aren’t even that desperate.

And what if I said yes to them? I couldn’t sell anything. In fact, I reverse sell everything I do. For instance, if I’m at a restaurant I will say, “You don’t have diet coke, do you?” Or when I was single, I might say, “If your vagina was on fire, and I was the only person nearby, you wouldn’t let me put it out, would you?” (By the way, the answer to the last question is invariably “no”).

Beyond all of that, insurance is the single biggest scam in the world. Scare the crap out of people so that they pay into a system that has a worse payout than the lottery. Of course it does! Just like the casino, insurance companies are in business for one reason…to make money. How am I supposed to lie to people and tell them that they need life insurance when there is no rule that says they have to die?  Wait…there is a rule that says they have to die? First, that sucks because I was pretty sure I would live forever and second, insurance sounds like a great thing to have.

Ok insurance companies of the world. Expect a phone call from me any day now. I want to sell life insurance to really, really old people in hospitals. They need it and I think I could win them over with my charm and minor bribery. (Plus, I could knock boots with some of the widows before they kick).

See? It’s a legitimate question.